I dont think I was entirely prepared for what I was getting into when I decided to take a look at 1993’s “Champagne and Bullets”, A.K.A “Road to Revenge”, A.K.A “Get Even” (though…that last ones all as one word so…I guess it should really be “Geteven”. My first exposure to the movie was from an early episode of Red Letter Medias “Best of the Worst” where they covered the…highlights? of this thing? and what I saw was frankly so absurd in terms of presentation that I knew it was a movie that I had to get round to watching at some point. And; with Vinegar Syndrome releasing a rather lovely (and might I add comprehensive) set in 2021, I made sure to nab myself one because…lets be honest; this is my kind of rodeo.
The film was the brainchild of John De Hart. a (now retired) lawyer who decided almost completely on a whim that he wanted to write, direct, score, produce and star in his own gritty action cop drama thriller. And…he did just that. Self funding the production and carrying it to a limited release in 1993 under the title “Champagne and Bullets”…it didnt gather much momentum. So! A short time later he recut the film to remove most of the nudity and sex scenes and also to cut down quite a few of the longer scenes bringing the runtime down from 98(ish) minutes to 75(ish) minutes and retitling the picture “Road to Revenge”. This fared a little bit better and managed to get distribution, but it wasnt until the early 2000’s that Dehart would have one final crack of re-releasing the movie, reinsterting some of the nudity and sex scenes and shooting 4 miniutes of new footage (that was shot on standard video tape and not film like the rest of the movie) this cut clocks in at roughly 89 minutes and was retitled “Get Even” and this version, for a time, was the best known cut of this movie out there.
So this film is a bit like “The Wicker Man” of shite action cop thrillers. But I suppose the next question is. What makes this film so special that it deserves 3 separate cuts and a limited edition Bluray release? Well…the plot is more or less the same across the 3 cuts, but for clarity, i’m going to be *mainly* talking about the “Champagne and Bullets” cut for the purposes of this review.
The plot follows best buddies Rick and Huck. two cops just palling around and trying to get things done by the book. When the film opens they’re partnered up with a tom carvel sounding motherfucker called Normad and the film wastes NO time in making it clear Normad is the villain of the movie. As he leads Rick and Huck to stage a drugs bust, without a warrant. Things dont quite go to plan, and the pair end up in court trying to defend their decision. Normad testifies AGAINST the pair, claiming that Rick and Huck are in fact drug takers AND dealers and that the “Bust” that went down was in fact a drug deal that went bad. The judge sides with Normad and Rick and Huck are kicked out of the force with immediate effect.
Some time passes and Rick and Huck move in together and start doing some freelance security work to help make ends meet. This includes having to deal with obnoxious and pompous frat boys as chaufers for prom night. It’s not pretty. But its good honest work. After getting off a particularly manic shift Huck suggests the pair hit a bar for “Cowboy night” and it’s here that the main thrust of the film really begins.
Because, when Rick and Huck enter the bar they’re greeted by Cindy, Cherry and Cindy’s mum. And this is a blast from the past for Rick because Cindy and him were in a pretty serious relationship when Cindy mysteriously vanished without a trace. The pair reconnect briefly and Cindy rather cryptically explains that she’s been in a bit of a bad place for a time and that shes come back to town to try and get her head back in the game and is currently stopping with Cherry. It’s clear almost immediately that the pair intend to rekindle things, but before it can go any further, Huck breaks the pair up because it’s time for one of the greatest moments in cinematic history.
For a solid. 3-4 minutes. We as the audience are effectively treated to a music video for the song “The Shimmy Slide” and…while im not going to risk angering the copyright claim gods here by playing a clip. I absolutely would not begrudge you if you paused the video here. Searched “The Shimmy Slide” and just…basked in the most awkward and absurd piece of work i’ve seen on film in a LONG time. It’s pretty much THE sequence that anyone who watches this movie remembers. AND WITH GOOD REASON!
Anyway; While Ricks up there giving it his all a rather sinister looking group enter the bar and almost immediately surround Cindy, they recognise her from somewhere. Cindy makes a break for Rick as soon as he gets off stage and at the exact same time 2 things occur. A woman gets up on stage and starts stripping and an outraged “Karen” calls the police to report indecent exposure. And while THATS going on, Rick and Huck team up to protect Cindy and a small bar brawl breaks out…the stripper doesnt stop at any point during the brawl by the way, it’s a bizarre few minutes of bad punch sound effects and the gentlest toss’s and tumbles you’ll ever see. Anyway, the police turn up and Rick manages to avoid arrest, Hucks not so lucky however and ends up behind bars for aggravated assault.
Rick and Cindys mum go to bail Huck out of jail but the cost of bail pretty much bankrupts an already struggling Huck. This is put on the backburner however as we then spend an almost coma inducing amount of time with Rick and Cindy. Watching the pair have a romantic meal and make small talk, before we catch up with them the next day hanging in someones back yard on a swing. It’s here that Cindy opens up a bit more about what happened to cause her to leave town mysteriously.
Cindy says that she basically fell in with a bad crowd, started doing drugs, the drugs got harder, the friends got fewer and eventually she was sucked into the world of satanism and devil worship. All was, actually going pretty alright for Cindy, until she attended a black mass where they announced they were going to sacrifice a live baby. This was apparently the stick that broke the camels back for her and she basically got up and started wailing and screaming during the sacrifice, ultimately ruining the event. The guys from the bar earlier removed her from the mass and bound and gagged her. The next day she got her things together and fled back to her home town to try and get away from it all.
Unfortunately for her; the leader of the cult is non other than Normad as it’s revealed that he’s actually a drug dealing cult leader running operations while being backed by the law. Rick doesnt know that Normad is the cult leader, but comforts Cindy all the same. The pair embrace and by this point they’re pretty much back on as a couple.
Back with Huck though, things arnt going so rosey after being cleared out by the bail money Hucks got nothing left to pay the bills…as illustrated by him standing in the bathroom LITERALLY shooting his bills and flushing them down the toilet. Things go from bad to worse when later that night Hucks Ex-wife turns up demanding an alimony payment as apparently Hucks quite a bit behind on paying. When he tells her he cant pay, she does the perfectly reasonable thing and rips her dress open, calls the police screaming that Hucks trying to kill her, before cursing Huck out and running out of the house.
The police end up taking Huck in for something between aggravated assault and attempted murder and GUESS who the judge is who’ll be hearing Hucks case? Normad. Who’s now been promoted to the role of a judge for some reason (im pretty sure it’s lawyers who become judges…not cops) Anyway; as you can imagine it’s a kangaroo court and Huck gets hurled into jail with no bail. As soon as he gets in he manages to trick a janitor into leaving his post before grabbing a bottle of bleach from his wheely cart and treating it like water in the desert. A short time later and Hucks in the hospital where a chance encounter with a nun sets in motion a new path for Huck and…from here about a third of the film devloves into a weird mixture of padding and literal blink and you’ll miss it plot points. So to save us both a lengthy breakdown, I’ll just hit the key beats.
Rick and Cindy go to see Huck only to almost immediately leave him to go and grab the last of Cindys things from her parents house, they have a montage of lovey dovey romance stuff, theres a BLOODY long sex scene that goes on for about 2.5 million years between Rick and Cindy *Urghhh* Huck becomes a full blown religious wacko, Rick and Cindy get Married, on there honeymoon night Cindy does a ULTRA long striptease to “The Shimmy Slide” that lasts about 2.2 million years, And the bad gang update Normad about Cindy, Rick and everything thats going on and Normad demands Cindy be killed because she knows too much.
Which takes us up to the final act! Where Cindy finds a picture of Normad and immediately recognises him as the cult leader, she tells Rick and the pair head out to inform the police! But the bad guys spot the pair leaving and decide to give chase! In a barnstorming finale that actually IS probably some of the best parts of this movie, will Rick and Cindy bust Normad, Will Huck achieve enlightenment and has Cindys mum REALLY got it going on? All these things and more WILL probably be answered. If you check out “Champagne and Bullets”
And I think the biggest problem this film has is that it’s script is border incoherent. I’d stop short of saying I personally found it to be the inane ramblings of a mad man. But only by a hairs breadth. A good tip for any budding scriptwriter out there is, if you going to write a script…and its a novel idea but hear me out…if your going to write a script. Have a point. It makes it so much more interesting an experience for the viewer. This film could, in my opinion, best be described as “Asleep at the wheel” scenes just; “exist” bereft really of any purpose or requirement. The film maker has NO issue with a 10 minute long dining scene where nothing happens apart from Rick and Cindy sitting at a table while a stream of characters who arnt really involved in the plot come in, talk to them for a couple of minutes and then leave never to be seen or heard from again.
Its not even so much that some of the scenes are absolutely pointless, the thing that annoys me more is that some of the scenes DO have a point that gets lost because the scene was only required to be 5 minutes long, if that. And instead has turned into a 15 minute long, seemingly improvised character piece that again, adds nothing and just goes on and on and on. A good example being when Cindy goes to her parents house to get the last of her things and a SUPER long cyclical conversation happens where Cindys dad accuses Rick of being a drug taking devil worshipper and Rick just repeatedly keeps saying “Im not” in a roundabout way…it’s just ridiculous.
I mean;This is the kind of film that thinks that referencing “Hamlet” constitutes “High art” status. The kind of film that will spend 15 minutes running a sex scene, and 2 minutes explaining whats ACTUALLY going on. And it can at times be BEYOND insufferable.
The pacings pretty damn awful to. The first act is actually not half bad in terms of setting up our hero’s and villains, putting our heroes in a tight spot and then introducing the love interest while keeping things *fairly* light on tone but busy on development. But around the time Rick and Cindy start reconnecting after Cowboy night at the bar. The film pretty much loses its thread and goes completely round the reakin to just put across VERY simple plot mechanics. The films an hour and 38 minutes long and I’d say the first act is about 25 minutes and the final act is about 20. Everything that happens between those two points is utter freewheeling of both the best and worst kind.
I’d hoped, with this film having multiple cuts, that John would have gone back and tried to salvage the film. Rework it to make it leaner, more sensical and focussed on the plot points and not 15 minute montages of Rick and Cindy playing with Ice cubes in front of a fireplace. But here’s the biggest disappointment. NON of the cuts achieve anything close to making this film more coherent. If anything the film makes less sense the more it’s been worked on.
For example; you’d think with my main complaint being that the film is “Too long and incoherent” that the ultra short “Road to Revenge” cut would be my preferred viewing choice. But no! Because in that cut they’ve ALSO cut out some key plot points that help define the characters and make the film make sense! So while it’s shorter and less focussed on showing us that John De harts had sex, it’s also almost TOTALLY incomprehensible. In part because they’ve chopped key points out, but more bafflingly because they’ve left in some of the padding for some unknown reason!
“Okay Dan” I hear you say “Well, if thats the case; the “Geteven” cut must surely be the one for you?” NO! Because in that one they’re STILL missing some key plot points and all they’ve really put back in is some of the super long boring nudity and sex scenes and new footage of Rick working out outside and shots of the L.A Strip. Its not quite as incoherent as “Road to Revenge” but now it’s got WAY more of the boring bits back in it!
There is no “Good” cut of this to me. It’s either too long and rambly or too short and incoherent. Though; I suppose if im looking at positives there are points in this movie that are frankly so absurd, weird or just downright daft that I had to openly laugh at just how unashamed this film is to just be itself.
And on that subject. The dialogue for this film, while equally as incoherent, has some absolutely ASTOUNDING lines in there. Stuff you couldnt make up. I firmly believe John De Hart must talk like this in real life. Lines like “Adyosi Bela Lugosi!” and “Listen here you Polyester Puppet!” I was absolutely delighted! With a personal favourite exchange being when Rick goes to visit Huck in hospital after his suicide attempt and the pair greet each other by saying “I heard you did that bleach thing!” to which Huck responds “Yeh!”…just…I have no words for this thing. In places its drawn out, protracted and aimless. But when it hits that sweet spot of sounding like an alien wrote it. Oh man does it scratch my bad movie itch.
The Script was Written and directed by John De Hart, with additional direction credited to James Paradise. De Hart has one writing and one directing credit. This film. Thats it. This was his only experience of film making and apart from an acting credit in 2006, he’s effectively retired at this point. As for Paradise. This is his only directing credit too, but! He’s more of an actor with 33 acting credits including “Sleepaway Camp”, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Doogy Hauser M.D”
And surprisingly; all things considered, the direction isnt too bad. In fact, for a first attempt at film making i’d say it was pretty damn good! Theres a clear vision here and John’s clearly trying his best to really give the visuals his seal of approval. Admittedly if this had been churned out by a studio i’d have probably not even blinked in saying this film was pretty meh. But for a one man band with no previous experience? Its pretty impressive honestly. Scenes have a clear structuring to them, shots in places seem pretty considered and the final act is actually rather decently handled. The cast direction iiiis a little bit wobbly. In fact in some scenes its pretty much fallen over. But I think here, its a case of taking the rough with the smooth. Again; this was a first time director with no prior experience of working in film. It’s hard to get what you need out of an actor even as a veteran film maker. So while it was probably a bit of a looser production in that regard, it’s not the worst it COULD have been.
What IS fucked in this thing though is the continuity. Which is just AWFUL. Characters will go from not having drinks, to having drinks, to not having drinks again. People will randomly go from standing NEXT to objects to holding them, theres no real concept of time passage. It goes from day to night completely willy nilly and sometimes MONTHS can go by in film without ANY kind of acknowledgement. In some ways I like the inconsistencies because it helps make the weirder moments of this film even more unusual, but at the same time its an editors nightmare because the analytical part of my brain wont shut up in pointing out all these weird inconsistencies.
On the cine front. Its passable. It, for the most part looks like a feature film, scenes have a decent selection of shots that follow a pretty standard formula, there are a couple of bug bares, moments where the camera is clearly being hand held and has to move quickly often result in jerky, VERY unprofessional shots that instantly pull you out of the action and while there is a decent variety of shots, i’d have personally been happier with a bit more variety in terms of pans, tracking shots and other bits. It experiments! Which is good. Though whether those more experimental moments were intentional or just because the film maker didnt know that the shots he was using WERNT considered standard takes for a production is up for debate. But! There was nothing too egregious in here, it’s just a not too awful time.
And as a quick aside I do need to mention the lighting here, which, for the most part is pretty decent. There are a couple of shots here and there that stray into “Floodlit” territory, but for the most part he handles Day for night lighting pretty decently, theres some attempts at Chiascuro dotted throughout and in the last 10 minutes things go positively J.R Bookwalter in terms of shadowy sequences lit by multicolour lighting gels and hyper experimentation on shot composition. It looks great!
On the performance side of things. Its pretty poor. John De Hart appears to come from the Neil Breen school of acting. Giving a performance that quite often feels like he’s reading his lines for the first time on set…AND HE WROTE THE BLOODY THING. He’s dry, overly quiet and has NO physical presence on camera. I’ve seen taxidermy look more animated on screen than this man. Im sure he was trying his best, but his strange acting style and choices while endearing were not suitable for the grizzled action cop the role required.
Wings Hauser appears to be pissed as a fart through about 90% of this movie, his performance is memorable in the sense that he appears to absolutely have given NO craps throughout. I can only assume this was a clean paycheck gig for him because he slurs through his lines from start to finish with all the enthusiasm of an ambien dosed sloth. Pamela Jean Bryant gives a largely unimpressed performance as Cindy…and its hard not to see why. She was a playboy playmate who’d been in shows like “The Incredible Hulk” and films like “Dont Answer the phone” and here she is…having to spend AT LEAST 30 minutes making out with John De Hart. I mean…whatever she was being paid…probably needed a few more zeros on the end is all im saying.
In fact the only actor here who seems to be somewhere in the realms of decent is William Smiths turn as Normad. He’s gravelly, stern and actually plays a half decent baddy for this movie…it’s just a shame he doesnt really get to sink his teeth into the role as the films WAY too busy watching a drunk Wings Hauser piss about in a pool with two models for 10 minutes or following Rick as he tells rubbish jokes to a waiter for an hour and a day. I mean; he’s not astounding. But hes the best of a bad bunch and i’d have really loved to see him be a bit more malicious in this rather than the odd snippets we ended up with.
Finally; the soundtrack. It’s almost all John de hart. He has a guitar and hes threatening to use it and boy, DOES he use it. 70% of the soundtrack is just John and an acoustic singing in what sounds like a monologue its a MORE than bizarre choice with VERY mixed results. Almost all of which are hilarious. Theres a couple of synthy numbers in this, but nothing memorable and when it isnt John or forgettable synth. It’s royalty free recordings of classical music. It’s probably the most mismatched and incoherent score I’ve covered this season. And while I didnt hate it, I have more questions about it than answers.
Champagne and bullets release history is…difficult to track down in all honesty. As far as I can tell the actual original cut “Champagne and Bullets” had a limited screening in 1993 but ultimately never found distribution. When it was recut into “Road to Revenge” it DID manage to make it to VHS, but im reading conflicting reports that it came out in either Late 1993 or 1994. I equally cant find a distributor for this VHS release so In the absence of knowledge im going to fall back on logic and presume that it was self distributed by the films production company “Monarch Productions”. In 2006 the film was released AGAIN on DVD courtesy of Amadeus Pictures with some footage put back in alongside additional scenes shot in 2006 as “GETEVEN”. And finally in 2021, all three cuts were released by Vinegar syndrome in a deluxe bluray package which includes a full length commentary by John De Hart, an interview with the man himself, “Road to Revenge” and “GETEVEN” presented in VHS quality alongside a lovely new HD scan of “Champagne and Bullets” all wrapped up in a wonderful Hardbox numbered set that comes complete with a double sided poster. This is literally the most comprehensive set this film is EVER going to get. Savour it.
Is Champagne and bullets a piece of “Trashterpiece theater”…mmmmaybe. While it absolutely has its moments and is VERY weird in places, with some fabulous dialogue, bizarre performances and a script that has ADHD almost as bad as myself. It really struggles to maintain its momentum and frequently gets sidetracked into frankly PAINFUL sequences that are just…so inane and go on and on and on. It’s absolutely a good/bad movie. With direction and cine thats actually not half bad and a soundtrack thats positively ear splitting.
It has all the elements of a winner really if your into bad movies. But that poor script structuring is a HELL of a ding against this thing. At the time of writing this films out of print. And I bought my copy for £30 which wasnt that far off Vinegar syndromes asking price. Is it worth that? No. absolutely not. I cant fault the work thats gone into this release. Its superb. But the film itself just…isnt entertaining enough (to me at least) to warrant that kind of cash exchanging hands. Im not going to get rid of it because I own it now. But if you were to come to me now and say “Dan! I wanna buy this movie! It’s £30” i’d be telling you to save your money honestly. There are much greater laughs to be had for much less cash. If you do see it in the wild going cheap though; i’d say absolutely snap it up!
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