This movie was very kindly sent to me by a viewer of my youtube channel, which, given we live in totally different countries is a HELL of a kind gesture…Well, I say a ‘Kind’ gesture…it’s ‘Trump Vs The Illuminati’…im not sure if its kind of them, or the beginning of a new amendment to the geneva convention…we’ll likely sort it out via the courts…

Anyway; im going to review this one much more in depth on my youtube channel in future. But a quick overview finds us in 3044, at some point 1000 years prior THE ‘Donald Trump’ inadvertently started a nuclear conflict that just so happened to coincide with an AI uprising.

during this time, the nuclear war wipes out most of humanity, and the sentient AI machines harvest the earth of all its natural resources leaving the planet picked clean…HOWEVER! just before the nuclear conflict properly kicked off a lab grown clone of Donald Trump based in China escapes its holding facility and SOMEHOW commandeers a spaceship, managing to escape the planet just before the nuclear armageddon. I dont know HOW he knows how to fly a spaceship, but you’ll find with this film that a LOT of the runtime is filled with ‘how does he/she know that’? so its easier to just let it keep on whatever momentum its working with…

Anyway, The Trump Clone crashes his spaceship on Mars, and somehow manages to merge his conciousness with AI machines that essentially render him immortal. He spends the next 1000 years on Mars until 3044, when an alien race approach the clone Trump (who either has an imaginary friend called ‘The Major’ or has an ACTUAL friend called ‘The Major’ who he will abandon shortly. The aliens warn the clone of a terrible future in which the illuminati (led by the conciousness of Alistaire Crowley ressurected into the body of an alien…for some reason…) form a galactic army and wipe out the universe.

Clone Trump doesnt care about ANY of that, and refuses to help. But when Crowley and his cronies turn up and attempt an assassination, thats only foiled when the good aliens beam Trump aboard their ship and give him a cruiser of his own. Clone Trump eventually learns that his destiny as saviour of the universe is inevitable, and so he heads out to Dubai, where the entry portal to Hell is located, so that he can fight Lucifer to the death, to destroy the illuminati and restore order to the universe…Oh! and he’s assisted in this by a Han Solo/Chewbacca style pairing of either a clone or descendent of ‘Van Helsing’ and ‘Bigfoot’…

I felt like I was having a stroke at multiple points while watching this. I see a lot of movies that dont ‘feel’ like real movies, but most of them just look a bit cheap and have a basic story. But this is the first film i’ve seen in a while that doesnt even ‘feel’ like a movie, it feels like something that would have appeared in an episode of ‘Tim and Eric Awesome show’ back in the 2000s as a scathing work of satire.

Halfway through watching this, I wondered what the audience reaction would have been had I sent this film back in time, with no context, to viewers in 1995. And I can only liken the response to be similar to that old meme about giving a medieval peasent a dorito.

The scripts the base ramblings of a mad man, theres nothing more to it, its just pseudo philosophical ‘bullshit’ mixed in with overt references to Trumps first time in office wrapped up in a bizarre plot of intergalactic warfare, that BARELY features ANY actual intergalactic warfare…

The pacings ice-bergian CRAWLING to the endzone at 69 minutes, it feels like it goes on for over 2 hours. and its BIZARRE choice to spend the majority of the runtime essentially running a ‘What If?’ around the idea that Clone Trump, under different circumstances could have been some kind of martyr figure, I feel even in 2020 was kind of poor taste, and in 2025 is just downright demented.

Essentially the majority of this movie is watching a spacesuit avatar travel from one location to another, pontificating about what makes us who we are, the meaning of life, and the occasional ‘grab’em by the pussy’ reference…

The characters all feel like they just popped out of a beginners ‘Warhammer’ Campaign. the dialogue is frankly painful and delivered by ACTUAL voice actors in such a way that im STILL not 100% certain they didnt do voice cloning and Text to speech at some points in this movie…

And to add insult to injury, the film doesnt even really fully resolve. It solves one plotline that kind of becomes irrelevent just before the end. Then about 7 minutes off the end, they cram in a dozen characters we’ve NEVER seen before up to this point, set up some random new threat and then they just…drop it. Literally they dump all that on the audience, then hard cut to credits…with seemingly no follow up planned and no ACTUAL resolution given. the film just..stops.

The direction is sparking off in every possible direction it can go off in, it lacks focus and vision, and…you wouldnt know it from the poster or DVD cover. But this is almost 100% CGI, and to be more specific, it looks VERY similar in places to PS3 era ‘Fallout 3’, ‘Mass Effect’ with a little bit of Halo thrown in for good measure. the models animate only SLIGHTLY more than a ‘T’ pose, they show locations with no characters in them frequently so they dont have to animate characters mouth movements. The Trump clone character is in a spcaesuit for 90% of the runtime, its mouth doesnt move at ALL when we can look through the visor, and the characters who DO get mouth movements? NOT ONE LINE matches the movements of the mouth.

The art style feels generic, almost like something from an out of the box animations studio piece of software, and because so MANY characters are using generic Alien models here, I assumed it meant they didnt have any additional models to cover other characters…an example being Lucifer and Alistaire Crowley here are both represented by generic alien models…but THEN literal MINUTES off the end. they show both a human animation model AND a ‘Satan’ animation model…SO WHY ARE ALL THESE CHARACTERS JUST COPY PASTED ALIEN MODELS?!?

The editing is atrocious, the score, generic and ill fitting. If it wasnt a weekday where I have work in the morning, i’d be drinking by now…ABSOLUTE waste of time…Dont bother, the fact its at least VAGUELY self aware was JUST enough to pull it back from the absolute pits. But it is TEETERING. AVOID.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/trump-vs-the-illuminati/