‘Santa Clause Conquers the Martians’ has been a film that i’ve been on and off trying to watch now for years. In a way, its my own fault really, Christmas is one of the busiest times of the year, and with SO many ‘classic’ Christmas movies to choose from. I’d find myself hitting play, half watching 15-25 minutes before I’d have to turn it off to go and help do some Christmas shopping, cooking, wrapping or decorating. Its not so much that I wasnt interested in the film, more that with SO many other things going on, it was just…too easy to walk away from this one and forget I’d even started it to begin with.

Well, last year I grabbed AGFAs wonderful HD Bluray remaster of this film, and today, I finally decided to give it a spin, in some ways im SO glad I did…but in others, I kind of understand why its taken me so long to actually make it through this one in a single sitting. Additionally, to clarify. The AGFA release of this film contains two cuts of the movie, a ‘Showcase’ cut of the film preserved from a 16mm print that runs to 90 minutes and includes an intermision, advertisements and some removed scenes. And a ‘Drive in’ cut preserved from an S-VHS transfer from ‘Something Weird’ video, that trims the movie down to a pacey 60 mins or so. For the purposes of this review, im going to largely be talking about the 90 minute cut.

The plot? Well, this is a matinee film aimed at very young children in the 60s…so it really cant stand to overcomplicate things. We open with a newscaster hosting a television first, via Telstar, a live interview from the North pole, with Santa, in his workshop, its early December, and Santas hard at work with his elves developing all the toys needed for every boy and girl around the world.

This live newscast however, is picked up by two martian children, who are absolutely captivated by the idea of Christmas and Santa. Their father Kima picks up on the fact that they’ve slowly stopped eating as much, and that they need ‘sleep spray’ now to actually go to sleep, and…with concern; he summons the Martian Council and they head out to the ‘Thunder Forest’ to speak to their elder. Who informs the group that all the children of Mars are waking up to the idea of Santa and Christmas, and…as Martian culture dictates that all children undergo a rapid education programme, aimed at creating children with adult brains. Non of the kids have had time to just… be Kids..and that needs to change.

So! the council decide the logical choice on what to do is simple, they need to head to earth, kidnap Santa, and force him to give the Martian children Christmas. And there plan more or less goes without a hitch…except, on the trip, they accidentally kidnap two children called Billy and Betty…who through the power of childhood wonder, and with the magic power of Santa, Show all the martians, young and old, that Christmas is a state of mind…engaging most…but turning some of the Martians towards the most DEVIOUS of tactics to ensure the status quo isnt interrupted…

And, at its core…this is a very simplistic and quite surreal little movie. cheesy and campy enough that I FULLY understand why its a bit of a darling amongst the Rifftrax and MST3K crowds. But I feel like this is a movie probably best enjoyed in the ‘riff’ format above all else.

Watching it ‘unriffed’ its still fun and wild in an early 60s way, but it does somewhat expose the drier elements of the production. Particularly in the 3rd act where we spend a painful amount of time flicking back and forth between Santa and the kids, and the Martians who just want Santa gone by any means necessary. The pacing is a little bit pedestrian in the first two acts, but when the 3rd act swings around? the whole thing just crawls to a halt for the majority of the runtime.

Beyond that? its all very simple ‘by the numbers’ type stuff. the characters are all super blunted because the target audience for this film is kids aged 3-7. dialogue is kept overly simplistic and basic. the plot doesnt really have that many twists and turns, but I was amazed at just how long 87 minutes felt watching this. Its one of *those* kinds of movies…

Honestly? the main reason to check this out is the direction and visuals. I feel like the production values of this film get unfairly slated. While its very true that this films surreal ‘cheap and cheerful’ visuals are sometimes SO low quality as to be laughable. I do have to say, especially with the AGFA remaster, you do get to see SO much more detail in these set spaces, and its actually surprising to me how much thought was put into dressing the sets and making the best out of a very ‘cardboard’ situation…Only enhanced with some really quite decent camera work, tracks, dolly’s and pans are all out in full force, it feels smooth and sequences, for the time, are reletively solid. Again; its not exactly pushing any boundaries…But its a very sturdy, if not cheap looking effort. Also, bonus points for one of the greatest cardboard robot designs i’ve ever seen in ‘Torg’ the robot!

Performances are fine enough, the Martian cast are kind of phoning it in, but when the costumes are that rediculous, its hard to be surprised by that really…It definitely would have been nice to have seen them play it more ‘alien’ like…as it stands, occasional comments to ‘Food pills’ is about as ‘alien’ as it gets, with the vast majority of ‘otherworldly’ lifting seemingly just being done by the weird costume designs…

The actors playing Billy, Betty and Santa all pretty much fit the brief…It would have been nice to see them get a bit more complexity though as, as it stands, they’re basically just there to state the obvious and let everyone else carry the plot to the next point they can jump out to reiterate whats going on for the younger members of the audience.

I feel like everyone here brings at least SOME energy to proceedings…but I feel like the folks who really needed to go all out, just clearly wernt being paid enough to do that…and the ones who DO camp it up (Im looking at you ‘Dropo’) go WAY too far and end up almost insufferable as comic relief.

Throw in an absolutely barren soundtrack barring the absolute pop CLASSIC of an opening theme, and ‘Santa Clause Conquers the Martians’ finds itself as a bit of a bumpy ride of a movie. When its good, its fun, decently paced and absurd to the point of hilarious…When its bad? its dry, plodding and frankly, a bit boring. I think next time i’ll give the 60 minute cut a spin, as im hoping they’ll have dropped some of the more ‘filler’ oriented moments. But I can absolutely see why people love this, I think riffed it could only stand to be better still, and i’d recommend checking it out at least once.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/santa-claus-conquers-the-martians/