TYTD Reviews

This review may contain spoilers.

Boardinghouse is a 1983 Shot on video Supernatural horror film completed in 1982 and shot in 1981. It’s also widely considered to be the first SOV film to have received “professional” distribution to the wider public. Though that title is somewhat hotly debated allegedly due to the strange way in which “Boarding house” was distributed. Y’see, with most motion pictures that came out in the “Home video” era, when their time in the cinema came to an end the production company would either put the film back on the shelf and leave it there forever, or take the film and transfer it to high grade video tape from which they would then strike home video copies for rental and consumer markets.

Boardinghouse ended up having the reverse done to it, the entire film was shot on video tape, but in order to get it into theatres, the distribution company “Blue star” took the master tape and instead telecine’d the footage (literally pointed a film camera at a flat screen high resolution CRT TV playing the movie) capturing it on to 35mm reels which could then be played in theatres. Which is the main reason it’s “Debated” as being the first SOV movie professionally released as *technically* it wasn’t distributed in the format it was made in, it was shot on video but sold on film. With some “SOV purists” citing 1983’s “Sledgehammer” as being the first “True” SOV film as that movie from snout to tail was entirely released on tape. Personally? Given what a pain in the arse shooting on tape back then would have been, im happy to let Boarding House have a free pass. If it looks like an SOV film, sounds like an SOV film and had all the pain in the arse hurdles that SOV films had to conquer to get over the finish line. It’s an SOV film.

The plot for Boarding House is, for the most part, absolutely incoherent. But I shall try my best to explain more or less what happens. Please do appreciate though that…this is a hot mess and that it’s going to be hard to give you the usual blow by blow I try to do with these things. The film opens with a message from “Horror Vision” who, in true William Castle style announce to the audience that the film they’re about to see shouldn’t be viewed by anyone with heart complications and that, throughout the film there will be special cues known as “Horror vision” that will signal appropriate moments to cover your eyes and plug your ears if you are easily scared, this includes a particular music sting and an awesome looking visual of a hand thats had a digital strobing rainbow effects dubbed onto it.

The film then begins proper, with computer visuals and narration informing us that we’re about to hear the awful case of the “Hoffman House”. We’re then treated to police files dating back to the 18th of September 1972 and our narrator explains that on that date, nobel prize winning doctor Don Hoffman and his wife, both leading authorities in telekinesis and psychic abilities, were found mutilated at their home after briefly leaving their 16th wedding anniversary party. Later on the 26th of September of that same year, their child testified their account of the murder and by December 4th they were committed to a sanitarium. Between 1972 and 1976 the house had 2 occupants, both of whom died in mysterious circumstances. One by drowning and one by blood loss after their hand was mangled by the trash compactor. The mysterious deaths continued through the late 70s and early 80’s until, in July 1982 a sole heir was located to take on the house.

We’re then introduced to our killer for the movie, as two doctors from the sanitarium discuss the Hoffman case, mainly as the child is due up for release, but they’re VERY hesitant to grant it. They head over to begin an evaluation, But before that can begin, a mysterious begloved figure draws one of the doctors into a store room and using telekinetik and hypnotic abilities, manages to get the doctor to strip naked, and hang herself. Another doctor rushes in to see whats going on and the mystery murderer uses their telekenesis to literally make the doctors guts explode out of his body, killing him brutally. Our murderer then escapes!

It’s at this point we’re finally introduced to James (sometimes known as Jim) a…im gonna guess, 40 something man. Who’s staked a claim on the Hoffman house with a sole mission, to set up his version of the playboy mansion. Y’see, the house has 10 bedrooms and communal living, cooking and dining spaces alongside an outdoor pool with garden. It’s a palace essentially. And James intends to fill the place with 20 something girls and NOTHING else. So; he starts advertising the “boarding house” as being a place for single ladies only. With prices starting at $100 a month in rent.

And, it’ll come to no surprise that the place fills up pretty quickly, with plenty of women interested in living in a palace for, in modern terms, $326 a month. Now here’s where it gets a bit messy, because the film introduces all 8 or 9 of the girls all at once with no real “defining” moment of introduction. They just rush out all the names in a minute or so and then expect you to remember them all. So for the bulk of this review, i’ll mainly refer to them as “The girls” but the key players who I CAN name check are Rock performer soon to be superstar Victoria, quiet and somewhat withdraw Cindy, boisterous Sandy and the mysterious “Final girl” into the boarding house “Debbie” who arrives well after all the other girls have settled in. James unfortunately informs her that all the rooms have been taken, but when Debbie explains she’s desperate, one of the girls suggests that the “kids room” which is currently being used as storage. James suggests it wouldn’t really be suitable, but Debbie jumps at the offer and moves in asap.

Around the time that Debbie moves in, it’s also established that James is attempting to learn the way of telekinesis in a frankly EYE melting scene in which he meditates in an office wearing nothing but a pair of budgie smugglers, pulling terrifying faces and making plants and boxes shudder…much like myself. It’s here that the film enters its main drive, as our killer from the sanitarium somehow makes it back to the Hoffman house and begins…manipulating things to cause harm. This is first shown when one of the girls; Pam, climbs onto a countertop to get a bottle from a top shelf only to jump down and impale her hand through an icepick that the killer’s mind controlled to point upright directly under her.

Sinister goings on strike again later when one of the girls accidentally cuts herself in the shower, which in turn causes the house to start bleeding and her face to morph into a melted monstrocity, but when another of the girls goes to check on her though, it looks like nothing’s happened. We’re also introduced around this time to a VERY strange looking gardener for the house who’s friends with James who creeps the girls out. Anyway; rather quickly, we’re introduced to Cindy, One of the girls who’s recently run away from an abusive relationship, her partners not only an arsehole, but a stalker too, who hires a private detective to try and track her down. While this is going on the girls and James decide the best thing to do is throw a crazy house party to celebrate everyone moving in!

We’re then more properly introduced to Victoria, who heads out to the airport to meet one of the co-founders of her band in order to discuss them playing at the house party and while that’s going on a mystery man called Harris arrives at the house to chill by the pool, after some grilling by the girls he quickly pops inside to make a phone call where it’s revealed he’s the detective Cindy’s ex partner hired. He confirms she’s definitely here and gives him the address, phone number and directions. While leaving however, one of the girls catches his eye and she takes him back to her room for *bouncy bouncy* After they’re finish up, Harris goes into the bathroom to clean up, but our mystery killer strikes again using their abilities to turn on a nearby hairdryer and drop it into the bath, killing Harris.

Some time passes again, and a B-plot forms when the girls overhear James listening to some freaky “Mind control” tapes. They get curious so they hatch a plan to send Victoria in to basically try and distract him, and while distracted swipe the tapes so they can get a better idea of what he’s been listening to. While doing her thing, James introduces Victoria to the world of Telepathy by moving a bar of soap around the bath using only his mind. She’s impressed, and after taking the tape back to the girls she decides to look into things herself.

What else happens…err…well! Theres a super spooky dream sequence thats quite well handled, Cindy’s abusive ex partner turns up to take her away from the house and we learn he sexually assaulted her. Victoria goes to the library and takes out a load of books on telepathy and begins experimenting with…mixed results. And while taking a nap, Cindy nearly gets shot in the head by our killer. After this incident; James decides to take Cindy out to the beach to get away from the stress and while there they get into a little hypno molestation preamble leading to questionable *bouncy bouncy*, but while at the beach. Our mysterious killer strikes again! knocking James out with a rock and using their scanner powers to make Cindy bleed out of every socket she has, before walking her into the sea to drown herself.

And so! With a psychic killer (cest qua cest?) on the loose and the night of the house party imminently upon the boarding house, will the killer strike again!? Will Victoria develop and use her powers for more than just petty bullshit revenge on the girls she doesn’t like? and…Will James get back into his budgie smugglers!? (GOD I hope not…) all this and more will be answered if you check out “Boarding House”.

And the lingering thought that hung over me as the credits rolled on this was “Hmm…that felt like i’ve just seen half a movie” and dear viewer I can tell you that that’s because the distributed release of “Boarding House” IS half a movie, i’m not exaggerating, the original cut for Boarding House came in at over 2 and a half hours. The distributors took one look at what can only be described as “The ‘Apocalypse Now’ of SOV cinema” and immediately shot back with “YOUR HAVING A LAUGH AINT YA!?” before lopping about an hour off the runtime and truncating any continuity issues with fades to and from black. It’s not that this film “feels” inconsistent. This film IS inconsistent because just under half of it was thrown in the bin! And at some point im going to sit through that 2 and a half hour version (because it exists) and see if it actually makes ANY kind of a difference to the plot. If I succeed in my mission, there’ll be an addendum at the end of this video.

What is left, from a script perspective, is borderline “delirious”, that’s the only word I can think of to describe what watching this feels like. It’s woozy, incoherent and strangely compelling. In the same way that Barry J. Gillis’s “Things” doesn’t quite feel of this earth, “Boardinghouse” too almost feels like it was pulled from some alien dimension where it probably made more sense. The pacing is positively baffling as we fade from random happening to random happening with no idea of how much time has passed. Quite literally this is a film of “Happenings” presented in a manner that feels like someone reconstructed “found footage” of a partially shot but incomplete horror movie that doesn’t have a script or any guidance.

As such, the act structures absolutely shot. We get about 10 minutes of introducing our characters and the scenario, an hour and 10 minutes of titting about intercut with nudity, simulated sex and a 40 year old man wandering around in budgie smugglers, And then 18 minutes of wrap up where they have to hold a house party, Have the Telekinetik killer wreck up the place a bit, reveal who the telekinetic killer is and deal with them, WHILE making sure the band they’re trying to secretly promo throughout this film gets enough screentime.

And that hour and 10 of titting about I referenced? Total. Filler. What I described to you earlier in terms of plot is just the key beats, except plenty of scenes of the girls lying around the pool talking bollocks, playing card games and talking bollocks, chilling in the living room talking bollocks. James talking absolute bollocks for an age and a half, and plenty of shots of the house with video effects superimposed onto it to make it look like ghostly figures are roaming around. That’s the bulk of this movie. Just idle chatter interspersed with the odd shot of boobs or the occasional kill, which varies in quality greatly ranging from some magnificently gory deaths I can’t show here, to stuff like Harris’s death which was so brief I can’t even recall if the movie picked up on the fact he died. like…It’s less than 24 hours since I saw this movie and I ACTUALLY can’t remember if anyone found Harris’s body. It never gets brought up again so i’m assuming not!

And the dialogue! Bloody hell! If Ed Wood and Tommy Wiseau’s writing had a baby, it’d be this movie. There’s points here that are utterly inaudible. Sometimes it’s due to poor audio recording, sometimes it’s due to the cast mumbling their lines and It’s fascinating really because, they’ve managed to capture perfectly that feeling of talking to someone who’s drunk off their everloving tits and they’re just rambling nonsense at you, but it feels like it should make sense because they’re saying it so confidently…but when you ACTUALLY take on board what they’re saying you go “Hang on…what on EARTH does that mean!?” that’s this movie in a nutshell, non sequitur ramblings presented as clips pulled from a larger work.

That’s not to say this incoherent dribble is unpleasant! I enjoyed feeling concussed as we hurtled through this ghost train ride of a movie! It may make absolutely NO sense and meander from scene to scene, but it’s TRYING to entertain at least. It never comes across as having given up on itself…it’s padded to bollocks, but it’s entertaining padding (for the most part) and I didnt feel the need to clock watch at all which I see as an absolute win!

The script was Written and Directed by John Wintergate who also plays James in this film. He has 2 writing and directing credits. One for this film and one for a movie made in 1989 called “Sally and Jess” which, very kindly was also included on the Boarding house Bluray release I own from AGFA and Bleeding Skull. Which I’m frankly delighted about as it means I get to cover another John Wintergate movie in future! Other than that he hasn’t done much else, which is a bit of a shame as I’d love to see him have another crack and film making!

On the direction front, I’m actually kind of impressed. Given that this was one of the first attempts at shooting a feature film on domestic tape AND given that this was the directors first attempt at making ANY kind of feature film with only shorts and a few professional gigs under his belt beforehand. This is a surprisingly competent production, it’s not PERFECT by ANY sense! But I’ve seen studio productions that are less competent than this thing looks and feels, scenes are managed and structured quite solidly all with a clear level of distinction, there is NO mistaking this film having come from John Wintergate!.

Again; that’s not to say it’s perfect, some scenes feel VERY improvised, almost as if at some points they just went; “Hey we have 20 minutes free, I’ve just had an idea!” Given the portability of Video Cameras from that time (when compared to bulkier film ones) and given they could shoot and reshoot at will, I could absolutely believe they shot some stuff on the fly. While they were generally clearly following the conventional rules of filmmaking, it has to be acknowledged that this was a new frontier, and sometimes they really tried to capitalise on that freedom within the newfound medium.

I also have to say that direction of the cast is a bit of a mixed bag too. Some of it’s wonderfully crafted for someone with almost no experience in the field, with clear thought put into what shot types would work best in a given scenario and where the cast should be placed within a scene and what their movements should be in order to get the best results. But then in the same breath we’ll get some absolute dross, scenes where the cast placement is literally just them all standing in a line talking in a way that feels largely improvised. The pie fight scene was a good example of that as are the pools scenes. It’s almost like the director just said “Right, so you’re having a good time at the pool, GO!” which does kind of diminish things a bit.

On the cine front, it’s decent! Like…”caught me off guard” level decent, Yes some of the computer effects are a bit dated by this point and there are some clear signs that the director was new to the field, but; for the most part, the compositions are all solid, there’s a TON of experimentation due to how mobile the rig is, sequences are *mostly* constructed using a decent variety of shots and only rarely do we find scenes made up of 2-3 cuts with little else to show for it. There’s a professional veneer to this thing and despite the handful of sequences which do let the cine down; where it performs well, it surpassed my expectations and really is one of the better examples of SOV film making that i’ve seen, which is ASTOUNDING when I reiterate that THIS WAS one of the first feature SOV movies to be made. This would be like Van Gough turning out starry night on his first go and In that sense, It’s BEYOND impressive honestly.

Performance wise? Broadly speaking; its bad. But for 80s horror? It’s passable. I can’t surgarcoat it. John playing James and Kalassu playing Victoria are the best performers in this thing. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they’re naturalistic, but they do a somewhat amicably for most of the films runtime and kept me both entertained and engaged throughout. John struggles to do concerned or frightened acting all that well, but they both stand as just about passable.

The rest of the cast though? are some of the stiffest, poorly delivered, awkward and unintentionally hilarious performances you’ll see put to tape. So much of it borders on parodying 80’s slasher movies, a genre that wasn’t even fully underway at the time this was shot! It’s dry, lifeless, sometimes you can even see notes the cast have written so they don’t forget their lines, everything sounds “read” rather than performed. It’s awful and while in any other film I’d have been ripping into them for how bad it is; Here? Because of the woozy, disorienting vibe of the whole thing, I’m actually kind of into it, it just makes the whole thing feel even more unsettled and odd. Which made it work on a whole different level.

And finally! The soundtrack! Its not *too*bad!, part of it is rocky poppy style music produced by John and Kalassu’s band of the time, which I think works rather well against the “Young girls hop around a palace for 90 minutes, goofing around by the pool in skimpy costumes” without it ending up too stocky or generic. It just about strikes the balance right. The other side to the soundtrack however is experimental early synthesised caucaughanies that range from powerful and fitting to totally unlistenable. It’s SUCH a spectrum that I’m utterly lost for comment on it, because, when the contrast ranges from “Impressive” to “Why are my eyes uncontrollably bleeding!?” It’s kind of hard deliver a constructive line of feedback. You’d think the two different styles would work against each other, but they actually work quite well together, creating a unique soundscape for this film that genuinely surprised me it’s one that I’d love to own isolated some day. If only to annoy people with the synthy side of it!

Boarding House was released on VHS in the US in 1983, but was refused a video certificate for distribution in the UK in 1984 where it had been planned for a rental release. The video recordings act of 1984 had come into effect mere weeks before this film was set to be released in the UK and the BBFC took one look at this thing and basically said “You can submit it for classification, but we won’t approve it for one and without one you can’t release it.” In fact; It’s because of this that Boarding House TO THIS DAY, STILL hasn’t had a UK release on ANY home video or rental format (at least at the time of recording it hasn’t).

What I CAN say is in the US it did receive a dvd release from Code red in 2008, but that the “grail” release for this movie really came in 2021 when AGFA and Bleeding skull teamed up to put this film out as a 2 disc bluray and stunning is simply too small a word for the work these guys have done on this set. It’s miraculous, it’s…INCREDIBLE. What we have here is a 2 disc set where, on the first disc you get the choice to watch the film either as it was shown in theatres (scanned from an original 35mm print at 2k) OR you can watch the original home video release in all its fuzzy warm glory captured from the original master dubbing tape. There are 2 commentaries for the film alongside theatrical trailers, home video trailers and TV spots. That’s JUST on disc 1.

Disc 2 includes “Psycho Killer” the previously unreleased “Alternate” cut of “Boarding House” transferred from the original 1” master tape. Also included is John’s other feature 1989s “Sally and Jess” scanned in at 2k alongside an audio commentary and historic “Behind the scenes” footage, alongside a plethora of music videos shot by John and Kalassu. All wrapped up in a lovingly crafted slipcase that’s to die for, honestly; it’s gorgeous. It really is a DAMN fine package and one of my all time favourite releases that AGFA have done to date! Serious kudos to them and I sincerely hope 101 films manage carry this release over to their other current AGFA lineups in the UK!

Do I recommend “Boarding House?” ABSOLUTELY I do. Despite its clunky execution, It’s a WILD watch and one of the most entertaining SOV movies I’ve ever seen. While I know it won’t be for everyone. The total dream-like wooziness this film possesses just made it infinitely more watchable, it would be easy on a surface level to take one look at this thing and just write it off as schlocky nonsense. But bubbling just below the surface is an actually rather technically proficient for its budget, film that, even when presented with half the footage missing, STILL managed to leave a positive impression on me that I don’t think I’ll forget in a hurry. im astounded honestly that this thing works half as well as it does, it ABSOLUTELY should have bombed hard given the elements that went into making it, and yet somehow it’s mezmorisingly captivating, just bear in mind, it does have its faults in terms of performances and scripting and I feel, if you’ve had experience with SOV before and liked films like “Sledgehammer” or “Things”, you’ll probably get on with this one…

EDIT:
…Anyway, I managed to track down the 2 and a half hour cut, I’ve watched it all the way through aaaaand…*sigh* It’s never easy is it? SO! The extended cut is a beast unto itself. And quite honestly, for every positive thing I can say about it, there’s a negative that cancels it out. On the plus side, Yes. A not insignificant chunk of the footage DOES contain some additional plot points and explanations. Entire scenes appear to have been removed from the theatrical release that would have added LOADS of context, From small things like more footage of the killer escaping the hospital, to giving Harris WAY more involvement in the film, explaining how he got from being stood outside the front of the house to being pushed into a pool by the girls AND explaining why he was allowed on the 2nd floor when James specifically said “NO BOYS ABOVE THE 1ST FLOOR!”

The extra scenes do a lot to explain some of the bizarre and all over the place character developments, Victoria gets several scenes put back in, in which we see her…y’know; ACTUALLY be the lead singer in a band! We get more insight in the opening act about her character and who she is, we get to see her attend rehearsals with her band and we get to see why Victoria and Pam have a bit of a ta ta tet going on throughout (in the finished cut, Pam is a tiny bit bitchy and inconsiderate and Victoria loses her shit for seemingly no reason, whereas in the extended cut, we see Pam be WAY worse to Victoria which, when reinserted gives Victoria’s sudden meltdown in the 2nd act better pacing and kind of makes it make more sense.

We get a LOT more hints and context about who the killer is in the first couple of acts, which again; aids with the pacing, improves the reveal of the killer in the 3rd act (which…comes out of left field in the final cut) And there’s even just some nice small things, like extra scenes with Harris and Cindy’s asshole boyfriend in the first act that helps solidify who they are and what they’re up to WELL before they turn up in the final cut, where they seemingly show up out of the blue.

There’s even an alternate ending, which has an ACTUAL on screen resolution for James and Victoria AS WELL as explaining the weird title cards at the end of the finished cut that don’t seem to point to anything. The reason they don’t point to anything is because they cut out the context of what they were talking about in the final cut!

BUT! For every Yin, there is indeed a Yang…and boy does this film come with a Yang. While there is a LOT of decent extra footage inserted there is also a HELL of a lot more padding. More scenes of people just lolling around the house talking absolute bollocks. Which, given most of the final cuts made up of that footage is BEYOND annoying. I’d say of the *roughly* 1 hour of cut footage, half of its really interesting or important plot points or pacing improvements, the other half is absolute bollocks that clearly DID belong in the bin. Equally; and I don’t know if this was just my copy, but almost ALL the gore and nudity had been cut out in the extended cut. Which basically defanged any of the horror this movie tried to have.

The biggest shake up though? Is the editing. And I don’t know if I love it, or think it’s the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen. But, for SOME bizarre reason when assembling the extended cut. Rather than keep it conventional, They’ve decided to edit on what i’m assuming is Windows movie maker and they’ve, for some reason decided to ram LITERALLY EVERY TRANSITION CROSSFADE THEY COULD GET THEIR HANDS ON INTO EVERY BREATHABLE SECOND OF THE RUNTIME. It looks like the “Junior christian science bible learning show for kids” and it’s distracting more than anything else. Sometimes they use them to re-run clips from the movie completely at random and out of order, sometimes they use them to show the same clip over and over again for no reason, and they’ve made the WEIRD choice to randomly insert stills and clips from other parts of the film at random throughout the new cut.

It’s distracting, awkward, clearly done over the top of an analogue driven edit which clashes with the analogue effects. It’s positively psychotronic and as a means of ACTUALLY trying to watch this film, it’s godawful. But…and its kind of a guilty admission…as an art piece?…as something you just absorb and experience rather than critique? I thought it was bloody good fun! It’s something texturally different to the theatrical cut. It is JAAAAAAAAAAAAM to the theatrical cuts “Jam” and I kind of dug it for that.

In an ideal world, someone would do to this film what they did to “The Wicker Man” and make a “Final cut” of the film, reinserting the important missing scenes from the extended cut into the theatrical cut and trimming down some of the fat from the theatrical. I reckon you’d have a decent 1:35:00 to 1:55:00 with that brief and a decent editor at the helm. Maybe I’ve just found a summer project. Who knows? All I do know is; if you choose to check this movie out, go for the original home video presentation, it’s the version that looks the best in my opinion. If you’re hungry for more when you’re done, check out the extended cut for a mindblowing reimaging of total concussion cinema.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/boardinghouse/1/

A weird one to watch post the removal of ‘Roe V Wade’, ‘Tomorrows Children’ is a Health/Scare film revolving around a potential dystopic future in which women can be sterilized simply for being criminals or having a family tree containing faulty genes.

The film itself came about as a bit of a warning piece as World War 2 was gearing up as Nazi Germany had began to impose sterilization on criminals and people with disabilities as a form of eugenics. This docu-drama(?) is basically taking this initial awful law change to it’s most over the top dramatic conclusion.

Im not going to lie, at a time now where women in the US and the UK have to fight tooth and nail for the right to be sterilized, Its quite interesting to see a film that plays on the opposite scenario, in which women fight for their right NOT to be.

However, the film itself wasnt really my cup of tea, the script (following a young woman who wants to start a family being ruled unfit to breed because of poor genetics in her family tree and forced into Sterilization) could have had the potential to be a real emotional journey and a good philosophical piece. Unfortunately; this film was made during the hayes code. So instead the majority of the script is the woman dispairing over the choices of the court while several men run around repeatedly saying ‘This is lunacy! we’ve got to stop it!’ With the end result being a rushed happy ending with noting of consiquence gained or lost.

the pacing is sluggish, the tone is overly censored. Its a surface level film that doesnt really offer much past its initial text crawl as we spend 55+ minutes with bland and uninteresting one note characters who really dont get up to much.

In fact, the main reason I rated this one more than 1 star is because, for a health/scare film from the early 30’s. This one actually doesnt look to bad, theres some decent cine on show with some interesting lighting and shadowing across the runtime, sequences are nicely cut together with some interesting experimentaiton on crossfades at times. and the Direction shows a clear competency for film making at a time when it wasnt *quite* as common knowledge as you’d think.

It looks nice, but it’s surface level interpretation of the issue combined with a general atmosphere of ‘Whataboutary?’ just makes this thing fall flat. It’s great reference material if you ever want to show off visually the best elements of 30s health movies. But as something you’d actually consiously choose to sit and watch, you can do so much better quite honestly.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/tomorrows-children/

Jesus christ.

No. Actually. Jesus Christ. I feel like I need a shower after this thing, and then my shower will need an intense deep clean

A frankly yucky movie that claims to be a docudrama advocating for the abolishon of Child marriage (which is still to this day legal in WAY more states than it should be) The reality is that ‘Child Bride’ is a viciously dark exploitation picture, ESPECIALLY for 1938 and even more so today.

With themes of violence, rape, molestation, murder and Child marriage and underage sex. Had it not been for the director Kroger Babbs VERY careful skirting of the hays code, this film would have been banned outright.

There isn’t really much more to say honestly, the script is mixed to poor on plot points, dialogue isn’t it’s sharpest point. The actual title plot of the film doesn’t kick in till about 15 minutes off the end. The characters are largely unlikeable or strange. There’s a lot of plot convenience throughout and the ending comes out of left field and feels rushed and forced.

The cine is somewhat solid, but it’s mired in a mix of issues ranging from terrible print quality which, with the best will in the world isn’t going to help how this thing looks, and really poor editing, which rushes cuts and feels slapdash to say the least.

This thing holds together better than a good chunk of the health and scare films that were produced around this time (its a more solid production than say ‘reefer madness’) but that really isn’t saying much. An awkward, deeply uncomfortable and hideously bleak Watch. Its not one I’ll be keen to revisit with relish any time soon.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/child-bride/

The ‘B-Feature’ on Kino’s “Reefer Madness” Bluray release. “Sex Madness” Is a pretty generic Health film warning of the dangers of Venerial Disease’s, particularly Siphilis.

And if you thought ‘Reefer’ was low budget…hoo boy, let me tell you…there IS no bottom of the barrel as far as this things concerned. What we have here is a 57(ish) minute long dramatization following a woman as she contracts the (then) deadly disease, gets mistreated for it and pays the ultimate price for…doing the right thing…I guess?

This ones kind of all over the place plot wise, we’re introduced to around a dozen characters in the opening 5 minutes, but the bulk of the film only really revolves around 2-3 characters past that. Its trying to put a simple message across ‘Practice safe sex and caution’ But because we’re in the hayes code era, they cant show anything other than light kissing and close dancing and the word ‘sex’ itself seems almost a taboo for most of the movies runtime.

As such, it becomes increasingly difficult to show the dangers of VD’s when the best they can muster are some poor quality sketches of Syphilitic sores and the use of ‘Marriage’ as a euphamism for bedroom antics.

That being said I do have to say, the film isnt averse to some VERY strange and entertaining decisions. Examples being all the men in this film being buried under what looks like 2lb’s of heavy makeup at all times. a raunchy lesbian couple in the opening act who myteriously vanish 10 minutes in and are never seen again, some terrifically campy acting and strange line delivery that raised a titter and some VERY choppy editing that makes Ed Wood feel like Scorsese.

The bulk of the film is low quality even by Poverty row standards with an overeliance on stock footage and foli effects to help pad the runtime. The film almost certainly would have been twice as engaging at half the runtime and this things about as basic looking as it comes.

In terms of ‘health films’ of this era, it’s not one of my favourites. Though I will give the film credit in the sense that it ends on a terrifically bleak and genuinely quite shocking point for the time, though with it being the 30’s it couldnt stave off a bolted on ‘happy’ ending for too long.

I’d say this was marginally better than ‘Reefer Madness’ in the sense that I think the plot holds together a little better and theres more entertaining moments to be had with it (even if ‘Reefers’ entertaining moments are grander and sillier…) This thing feels a bit more coherent alltogether, and while its still a bit of a plodder and isnt exactly ‘pushing the boundaries’ of cinema, it was entertaining enough that I didnt outright hate it.

Totally not essentail viewing, worth watching if you pick up Kino’s ‘Reefer’ bluray release. but otherwise. give it a miss.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/sex-madness/

I recently picked up a batch of Kino/Something Weird blurays and this was part of a double feature with ‘Sex Madness’…I’d seen the colourised version about 15 years ago in spotty ‘240p vision’ so I was curious to see if a HD screening would make for a better time.

Given its infamy, im pretty sure there isnt really a whole lot I could say about this that hasnt already been totally ground into the dirt multiple times by other critics. But this is basically one of the most infamous ‘Scare films’ of the 1930s and actually influenced State legislature around Weed and it’s criminalisation in the states. Which is all the more hilarious given just how factually innacurate this movie actually is when it comes to the effects of weed and it’s impact on people (though; to give them SOME credit…I dont even think the film makers could have foreseen just how much crime would come from criminalising it than regulating it…)

In either case, the films a total bust for me. What we have here is a 65 minute ‘play for today’ about the dangers of drugs. It has *SOME* good moments dotted here and there that are more entertainingly awful or funny for just HOW innacurate what they’re showing the audience is…but for the most part this is actually just a kind of dry and at times overly cheesy movie disguised as a health film, and not much else.

The characters are all bland ‘one size fits all’ types…which they had to be in order to better establish that ‘THIS SCENARIO COULD EVEN HAPPEN IN YOUR TOWN!!!’

The storylines vaguely interesting, but could have been twice as engaging at half the runtime. The pacings slow and plodding and the production work (broadly speaking) is poor, with a few choreographed scenes that did entertain being married up to sloppy cine, bad editing, poor quality sound recording at times meandering and confusing dialogue and inconsistent direction for both the cast and the team behind the camera in exactly what they wanted to show.

To put it bluntley…(heh…’blunt-ly’) To me at least? this is a movie thats coasted mainly on it’s infamy in terms of its exaggerations, and barring two or three sequences across the whole runtime where things DO get a little crazy or ‘out there’ its actually kind of boring for the most part. it’s largely actors dancing, rehersing shakespere or acting a bit shifty for 50 minutes of the runtime and not much else.

I’d say purely for it’s infamy in bad movie circles that it’s worth catching this film at least once. It’s mercifully short at 65 minutes and, for me personally; I’d say if you can find a high quality copy of the colourised version (which looks putrid and hideous and frankly delightful for a film like this) I’d go for that over the Black and White version. It just gives the film a bit more character and edges it ahead of the original release in my opinion.

If your interested in old PSA’s or scare films from the time, or you move in bad/cult movie circles and want to brush up on your history, check this one out. If your non of the above, steer well clear. it’s a slog. And all the bits worth seeing have (conveniently) been supercut into a 5 minute video on youtube. Which would more than save you time.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/tell-your-children-1938/

Without question, one of the stupidest; dullest, weirdest movies i’ve had the misfortune to sit through. ‘Trick or Treats’ is perfect viewing for the individual who likes their films surface level and stuck in a single gear for the entire runtime.

I wish I was kidding when I say that the film is just over 80 minutes long and consists of 70 minutes of a babysitter being repeatedly pranked by an obnoxious little runt of a kid who’s into magic and joke shop gags, intercut with footage of a guy escaping an insane asylum and S L O W L Y making his way to the kids house. with 10 minutes essentially amounting to the most half hearted slasher movie i’ve seen in a good while.

That’s it. That’s the whole plot, they detour occasionally the asylum where the guy escaped from…but it doesnt lead anywhere. For a brief window they cut to an editing room to watch to editors cut a film together…that adds nothing to the film. This things a time sink. a way to effectively kill 82 minutes and LITERALLY have nothing to show for it.

The scripts locked in that single gear of:

*Babysitter goes looking for kid.
*Kid pranks Babysitter with very dull gag.
*Babysitter gets mad and asks kid politely to stop
*Kid runs off and goes quiet for a bit, leading to Babysitter looking for him.

Repeat that about 8 or 9 times and you’ve got this movie to a tee. tonally its got a bit of a campy streak running through it which is quite welcome, the dialogues atrocious to the point I actually kind of find it mesmorising and the characters themselves are all either fairly air headed or just dreary and unlikable. The pacing is one not across the runtime right up until the final 10 minutes when it suddenly ups the ante a little bit (but not enough to make it worth your time) and the extended sequences of our Babysitter wandering around the house, occasionally answering the door to trick or treaters is mind numbing to say the least.

the directions not *too* bad. they have managed to get camera and lighting to work together fairly well, the cast are a little stiff in front of the camera and dont utilise their set space as much as I’d have personally liked. But it looks professional enough and the distinct 80’s ness of the whole thing kind fo endeared me a little bit too it. The director here clearly had a specific vibe in mind for how this was going to look and feel and It made me oddly nostalgic to see these early 80s setups, colour schemes and lighting choices in action here.

The cine too isnt too bad either, shots are a bit on the basic side, but they’re composed pretty solidly, have a good amount of moody or semi interesting lighting and its got a good amount of B-roll under its belt which really helps bring the sequences together.

While the edit isnt the greatest in the world (I personally felt it was a little bit slack with some scenes rolling on a bit too long and some cuts being a little too soon) the B-roll doesn significantly help smooth the sequences over and the use of oranges and blues in the colour sceme choices does help give it a bit of a boost in terms of quality output. Its not winning any awards any time soon. But for a vibe; it’s on the right track.

Our cast, if anything, deliver EXACTLY what the director had in mind. It’s just a shame that what he had in mind were extreme personalities that clash like lemon juice and milk. Our Babysitter here is WAY too meak and mild in allowing Chistopher (our kid for this feature) to get away with the pranks he does. and that performance, while on point for what the script is trying to convey, is TERRIBLY irritating when you actually have to sit through it.

Christopher is annoying in the script and is played perfectly here, giving Alan from ‘Return to Sleepaway Camp’ a run for his money in terms of ‘Annoying characters I wish I wasnt aware of’. I dont often comment on child actors, but the kid playing christopher here really does go above and beyond in portraying christopher as rambunctious and SO annoying in equal measure. I think he nailed the brief. Even if i am suffering for it.

throw in…what im guessing is a half hearted attempt at a score (its tinny synth pangs intermixed with some gentle 80’s reimagining of 50’s rock and roll style twanging) and you have a film that…as a work of cinema, is downright abominable. with an irritating cast, weird visuals and a script that would test the patience of most, its up there; not as a bad movie, but as a pointless one. It neither gives nor takes away. it just exists.

In that sense its a FANTASTIC ‘head empty’ movie. The kind of thing you put on when your doing other things and just need some background noise you occasionally check into. In THAT sense this is good fun! Because realistically, what you have here is about 25 minutes worth of story stretched out to 82 minutes and if you DO decide to drift in and out of it, you’ll absolutely still know whats going on, but you wont have to worry about missing any crucial plot points…BECAUSE THERE ARNT ANY!

In short, one I cant recommend in good faith. But if your looking for TV noise. absolutely give it a check in, in that sense its great fun.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/trick-or-treats/

Another one on my ‘Always wanted to watch, never quite got round to…’ list ‘Death Spa’ has a neat little idea that asks the question ‘What if ‘The Boogie Man’ had taken place in a health spa and gym, rather than a countryside back water home?

Well…It wasnt *quite* as good as i’d hoped for, but if your in the market for a fairly gory and at times *over the top* supernatural horror film with a SUPER heavy 80s flare. Then this one is right up your ally.

The basic plot is nothing out of the unusual, the new owners of a health spa and gym start to feel uneasy when a string of inexplicable deaths hit the new business around the same time that one of the business owners begins dating a new woman a year to the day after his wifes unfortunate demise.

The scripts a little on the lumpy side truthfully, the first act is a bit of a chugger to get going, but it builds up a decent steam behind it in terms of intricate death sequences and plot development. it seems to idle at this level for most of the 2nd act until it erupts with life in the closing 20 minutes. going from a fairly by the numbers slasher piece to something all together more extroadinary that reminded me of the end of ‘Prom Night’ and ‘Carrie’ but WAY more extreme in tone and style.

pacings a little all over the place, the murder sequences arnt very well worked into the script, it almost feels like the writers knew the film was getting a bit dialogue and plot heavy so they just hard cut a death scene in there every 15 minutes or so to stop people drifting off.

The plot itself is almost kind of inconsiquetial. theres a police investigation, and awkward romance/revenge plot line and a bit of a ‘whodunnit’ going on, but non of them really grabbed me and a lot of it felt faily by the numbers for the genre. Not helped by the fact that all the characters are woefully underwritten in terms of depth or personality and most of them feel almost interchangable in terms of what their actual function is in the movie.

The film also struggles a little bit in setting it’s tone because of all the dialogue scenes and heavy styalisation on hand. its clearly a campy horror movie. But it doesnt seem to know exactly HOW campy it wants to be. As such it kind of rides the line between a somewhat serious movie that just has a few campy moments sprinkled throughout, and a full blown camp super fest with scenery chewing to the nth degree. I liked the film when it chose a lane, because at least then it was more concise…but I struggled with the moments where I felt uncertain as to whether the film wanted to genuinely scare me or make me laugh.

While the script itself is a little uninspired, its really the direction and cine that helps save this thing. While the cast are a little lifeless plot wise; director Michael Fischa has been able to at least get them utilising their set space well and has coached them reasonably on how to deliver the lines with conviction and charisma. They might not be saying much interesting, but at least they’re saying it with STYLE!

this is a quite styalised piece and I feel like Fischa has managed to really bring his vision to life here. the camera team, lighting and the cast are all working in relative harmony, theres a distinct level of professionalism on creating this vision and with a decent sized effects budget theres a lot of scope here for crazy over the top gory effects and interesting use of camera tools such as rigs and jibs. a lot of this film visually feels like a professional production. Which is always a good sign.

Same goes for the cine, with pretty solid compositional choices across the runtime getting some really nice pieces combined with some more than decent lighting choices with cool blues, neon pinks and oranges REALLY getting to set the tone and scene of this thing to, what i’d say was mixed to decent success.

What DOES trip this thing over however is the editing unfortunately, which is lacklustre to say the least. sequences are problematic, with some scenes having weird cuts that seem to miss out chunks of the action (it feels like additional B-roll was planned to be shot and then the budget ran out as 2 shots that shouldnt cut together are suddenly rammed into each other) theres a couple of line fluffs here and there which take the professional edge off and bizarrely; contrasting the sequences where it feels like theres B-roll missing. We have sequences where it feels like TOO MUCH B-roll was captured and that they’re trying to cram in as many shots as they can.

it all results in an edit that takes some pretty decent footage and just…throws it in the trash for a good 70% of the runtime. it makes what looks like a fairly competent film and makes it feel like its some kind of ‘salvage’ job where they’ve had to reconstruct missing scenes with whatever footage was available. Its really odd.

The cast are pretty unremarkable too, which is another big dissapointment here. Ken Foree is probably the most likeable character of the bunch here playing a supporting role as a technician and security expert at the gym called Marvin. But even he feels like he’s phoning it in and the rest of the cast are poorer still. which is a real shame.

Oh. and I dont have much to say on it, but the soundtracks pretty cool. its generic 80s electro rock and pop with a bit of an aerobics/workout tone. it’s cool. I didnt fall head over heels for it, but it was one of the better lower budgeted scores i’ve heard.

All in all? I’d watch this again, I think it’d pair up quite well with something like “Phantom of the Mall: Erics Revenge” or “Night of the Demons” as a bit of a paranormal double header. But realistically; it’s not an essential watch, and it isnt enjoyable enough outright to get a full blown rec. Its fun in places, and the 3rd act is what really saves it…But its a problematic movie that I feel could have done with another draft or two to really nail it.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/death-spa/

Initially drawn to this documentary due to my love of all things VHS, I went into ‘Recorder’ with a preset expectation on what I was getting myself into, and was somewhat pleasently surprised by what it ACTUALLY was about.

Y’see, while I knew that the documentary was largely dealing with the total visionary that was Marion Stokes, I had been led to believe that the emphasis for this doc would be on the content found on the 70 thousand+ VHS tapes that Marion recorded over the 35 year window she pretty much non stop recorded through. with her life being used as lynchpin moments to support the obscure footage.

Instead, the doc is actually more about Marion the person, who she was, her life, her interests and the somewhat eccentric life she lived as she tried to collect and preserve as much knowledge as physically possible in the pre internet era, as told by her carers, friends and family. With the footage acting more as a lynch pin to punctuate and set the scene of the time we’re dealing in than being the centerpiece.

And while im a little dissapointed that the documentary didnt really dig that deep into the archive in terms of public access broadcasting, local advertisements, local news broadcasts and other strange televisual oddities. I was ultimately won over by the story of a woman who valued knowledge above all other costs leading to a life of isolation, but ultimately one of vast VAST cultural preservation.

I feel the way this is structured is a little lopsided. While the story of Marion is a solid and emotional piece, they do end up jumping around in time a little bit to try and add context to what we’re seeing. While that does help the narrative, it did become difficult after a time to figure out exactly when certain events were supposed to have happened. Particularly when it gets into family details.

It does however manage to make for a compelling viewing piece, the use of the archive news segments really help add a sense of weight to the 35 years she did this and by the end of it, despite her being a incredibly private person, I did feel I got to know her fairly well.

The editing really is the saving grace for this documentary honestly, while the interview segments can wander a little bit, some keen cinematography and well timed cuts and arrangements of footage do ultimatley tie this thing up into a neat and tidy package that looks great and felt quite informative.

While the ending as of 2023 is something of a downer (given the current ongoing legal battles that are plaguing the internet archive) its still a very optimistic documentary that I could recommend for its charm and interesting subject matter. I really do wish however, given how much they reference it in the doc itself, that they’d shown more local broadcasting deep cuts…In either case, this is totally worth checking out.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/recorder-the-marion-stokes-project/

‘The Deadly Spawn’ had been on my ‘to watch’ list for well over a decade, but finding a copy of it (in the UK at least) has always been a bit of a pain…But! with my subscription to ‘Shudder’ coming to an end, I decided to mop this one up in (less than steller) streamed SD quality.

The plots pretty basic, an alien lifeform crashes to earth on a meteor and hides out in a families basement, picking off members of the family one by one. When the teenage son of the family (a scientist in training) finds one of the infant life forms scuttling about, him and his friends decide to investigate the creature. and in doing so quickly realise the situation is much more serious than they initial thought, and certainly much more DEADLY.

Based on the trailers i’d seen for this movie, I had somewhat high hopes going into it, indeed; the film does really impress with its puppetry of the titular ‘deadly spawn’ and with its gore effects, model work and lighting. But that, for me at least is kind of where the compliments begin and end.

Even clocking in at 81 minutes long, this thing feels bloated. With only a couple of more interesting horror/action sequences happening across the first two acts and nothing particularly astounding taking place till we’re AT LEAST 50 minutes in.

The opening starts of solid enough, but it quickly gets bogged down in long conversations that arnt particularly charismatic and dont particularly add much beyond basic character notes.

the pacing is a bit all over the place which creates an uneven experience. With one noteable scene being shortly after our cast capture an infant version of the creature. theres an elongated chat about what exactly to do with it. These kinds of scenes are commonplace in this kind of movie. But they’re usually reserved to the second act, with the first act establishing the characters and throwing some thrills in to ensure the viewer sticks around. here, that scenes in the middle of the first act and it slows things to a crawl for a good 10 minutes.

The movie DOES manage to pull itself together in time for a rip roaring 3rd act showdown. But its all a little late and im not sure movie go-ers would have stuck through the 60 odd minutes of inaneness to get to this point.

The film also kind of struggles with what kind of tone it wants to set. It cant decide whether its a completely straight cut sci-fi monster movie ala ‘The Thing’ or ‘XTRO’ or whether it’s got a bit more of a comedic edge to it. As such it almost feels kind of lost for a good chunk of the runtime as to exactly what it wants me to feel and how it wants me to react. It kind of ends up putting out nothing strong enough to help define it. The promotional materials for the movie suggest its a campy bloody movie. But it isnt nearly as fun as you’d think.

The direction too is kind of middle of the road. It gets the job done fine enough, but some of the cast seem a little lost on where to stand and how to work with their set space and lines, some of the sequences really lack a punch and it just kind of feels like a film that worked with ‘good enough’ for the non effects driven scenes, overly relying on the effects and puppets to really try and do the heavy lifting for the picture.

the cine is probably the films strongest element. while composition for the most part is fairly by the numbers, it at least has a veil of professionalism about it, and as mentioned the effects shots and puppeteering throughout are fantastically good fun. with some really well shot and lit effects that are over the top, bloody and genuinely impressive given the size and scale of the production. If nothing else the film stands out for some top notch effects work here.

The edits kind of bland, sequences tell the story well enough, but because the general composition work is kind of ‘mid’ it means the edit can only really do so much, and a lack of solid B-roll footage to allow a more fluid edit really does let this thing down at times.

The cast are all pretty competent, there was noone who ACTIVELY underperformed. they all deliver their lines well enough and they do seem to get into the part fine. It did just kind of leave me wishing for more though.

Realistically, I could see this being a pretty solid B-picture to something like ‘Return of the living dead’ something you put on at the end of the night after a few beers with friends. While the effects work is genuinely very impressive for a film of this calibre, the script, cine and direction broadly are kind of lacklustre and while I didnt actively dislike this one. Now that i’ve seen it, i’d probably not choose to watch it again. maybe as a double feature or as part of a marathon…But on its own? No.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/the-deadly-spawn/

Watched on Saturday August 5, 2023.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/barbie/1/