One of those movies that im surprised MST3K didnt get around to riffing (though ‘Cinematic Titanic’ certainly didnt waste the opportunity!) ‘The Doomsday Machine’ is a SLOG. and a fairly unpleasent and mean spirited one at that.

The plot? Its the not to distant future (I believe the far off year of 2010) and China has invented a doomsday weapon thats capable of destroying earth. In the opening of the film we see a covert agent sneaking into a compound to photograph the weapon inside a cage that ‘Only Chairman Mao has the key to’. Oh…this film gets a bit racist in places too…so…BUCKLE UP FOR THAT!.

Photos of the weapon arrive back on US soil just in time for a united global mission to Venus. men and women from all around the world have been selected as the first people to colonize the planet, with a not insignificant portion of the film dedicated to them getting ready to go into space.

Once the launch itself happens, things almost immediately start going wrong, first and foremost being that some of the men are irresistably horny and IMMEDIATELY try to bang the women on the mission…whether they consent or not (and again, this film gets VERY SA in places…so again…BUCKLE UP!)

This is then shortly followed by a break in transmission where its revealed that the Chinese are either about to, or already have detonanted the ‘Doomsday Machine’ which is then followed by COMPLETE confirmation when the planet becomes a magma filled slag heap after a chain nuclear reactor failure. Leaving the astronauts trapped on board.

Its at this point that the ‘TRUE’ plan of the mission is properly revealed (and this is the halfway point of the movie…) It turns out that the US government KNEW china had a doomsday weapon, and were likely to use it, so they sent the astronauts up to basically make their way to Venus and ‘Adam and Eve’ it up to repopulate the planet.

Unfortunately they didnt count on TWO things, ONE being that some of the women aboard didnt sign UP to become birthing units for a new population of people. and TWO being that the radiation from the seismic blast was SO strong its catching up with the spaceship and will ultimately leave all the men sterile unless they can propel away from it. Some of the crew handle this fairly well and begin working on a solution…Others decide to use the situation to ramp up their SA efforts…Its all downhill from there really.

This thing was a total slog, I caught it as part of ‘Elviras Movie Macarbre’ which is probably the absolute best way to watch this one, purely for the fact that at least you get some fun enough host segments to take you away from the dull misery.

The scripts SO long and boring, scenes drag on and on and on WELL past the point that the audience understands whats happening and quickly into the realms of clockwatching. the pacings equal to a heavily laiden tortoise, the tone swings from ‘Buck Rogers’ esq 50s scifi schlock to some pretty unpleasent moments of racism, mysoginy and abuse. it doesnt really have a coherent story to tell and quite regularly threads are spun and then abandoned across the runtime. The entire opening sequence for example is just to establish there IS a doomsday machine…when your films called ‘The Doomsday Machine’…non of the characters or plot elements from that opening sequence make it past the 10 minute mark.

The characters are all super generic and unlikable, the dialogues really basic, tells EVERYTHING while also showing it. non of it is interesting or engaging to the audience, its 70-80 minutes of technobabble. and very little else.

The direction is incredibly poor, making most 50s poverty row features look expensive. its basically 2 sets, frequently redressed, shot wide and mid wide with a one or two (at most) camera setup. other than some VERY lacklustre wirework, this things got nothing to bring to the table. When I Can say confidently that films 20-30 years this films senior outshine it in terms of effects and camera work, from film makers with NO experience…well I hope that imparts just how poor this viewing experience really is.

The cine has a couple of flickers of moments here and there, theres some interesting colour and lighting work dribbed and drabbed across the runtime, but its all a bit thrown together, composition is static and repetative. the sequences rely heavily on stock footage for big chunks fo the runtime and feel quite slack in terms of how they’re cut together. its a messy work honestly.

The performances are HILARIOUSLY wooden in places, but ultimately dont provide enough comic relief to help this production pull through. everyones stuck on one mode of delivery, which is fairly dry and stilted for 90% of the runtime…But they DO all get at least one moment to do ‘frantic over the top’ acting…which garners mixed results. Theres not enough here from the cast to really truely win me over…their physicality on set is frankly dreadful, they bearly animate in that regard…its a mess.

And the score is so forgettable, I honestly forgot it. I literally have no notes…its that bland.

Had this not been hosted by Elvira, i’d have really struggled to make it to the end of this one. its dry, dull, and honestly a bit offensive in the year of our lord 2024. If your gonna catch it, watch the ‘Cinematic Titanic’ version of the ‘Movie Macarbre’ one…But maybe bring a pillow and a blanket, because this thing WILL knock you clean out in 30 minutes or less.

source https://letterboxd.com/tytdreviews/film/doomsday-machine/