Doctor Screw (2006)

When it came to choosing a “Red Triangle” that would see off “Alternate Doctor who month” it was really no question in my mind at least that porn would be the end result. I mean, I maybe could have gone with Torchwood or Class…something a bit more adult but still in universe, but I thought it was too mainstream, too well connected to the series to fly to be honest.

Next my thoughts went to BBV and there were some very serious considerations for “The Airzone Solution” or the “Auton” series. But again while I think they may work well as a TYTD episode in the future it just wasnt right here. Porn. Porn was what was needed and by gum porn was what I settled for!

Of course the options were bountiful (No pun intended) “Doctor who and the Phaleks” was my go to option for the longest time before briefly swapping to the “Woodrocket” sequences, there was even a brief dabble with “Abducted by the daleks” but in the end “Doctor Screw” was one of those porn films that had both not been widely covered and one that I distinctly remember doing the rounds in the early days of the David Tennant era with a dirty smirk and a cheeky chuckle from the Doctor who fandom back in the day. so I was happy to pick that one purely due to its lack of coverage.

It’s quite frankly appauling as pornography. But in terms of being a piece of alternative cultural history it really is a piece of its time. I pretty much say everything I can possibly say about this series in my review itself but even for its impotence I’d recommend fans of the new series check this one out. it’s really weird due to just how early it came out in the new series’ run and as a result it kind of fudges its way through the best it can. It’s also interesting from a historical standpoint as it marks the transition between porn parodies being a cheap and cheerful rubbish affair to being a highly polished and nightmare inducing rubbish affair (Im looking at you Strokemon).

Either way this is a very bizarre notch in Doctor who history and I really couldnt think of a better way to see this season off.

(I really love that boxart for the complete set…I own the solo releases and they’re rubbish by comparison…)
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The Crystal of Achillon (1994)

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the Projection room films in all honesty. In the past 5 years or so things seemingly have gone quite quiet for the fan production group from the north of England with there intricate and entangled multiverses…

My main problem I seem to remember having with them (It has been a couple of years since I last went through them all) is that they do seem to take themselves very seriously. While theres definitely an aire of fun behind all of the films they’ve produced, I do rather get the feeling that theres a subtle hint of egotism behind there projects. just a dash…I see it in there extensive extras packages which compile various minor TV appearences and making of documentaries that pretty much consist of Chris Hoyle just regailing his memories of being on set. the fact I paid money for these films at one point or another. Where as Ausweb and the likes seemed unashamedly for fun and they felt completely comfortable producing a lower budget/quality movie with its sould in the right place. the later Projection room films just seem to be missing a bit of heart. just that vibe that says “We’re having a laugh here” to me, the later films from this group just kind of feel a little bit like they quite desperately want to be closely tied to the show in any possible way, forgetting that ultimately they’re both the largest fan film group for Doctor who in the country and the longest established fan film group in the country.

I’ll probably air those grievences though next time I decide to do a Doctor who month. For now though it’s 1994 and the projection rooms little more than this movie and possible two very short stories. it’s a small group of friends making a goofy and very affectionate fan film trying to continue a series that was in the midst of the early half of a 16 year hiatus. and its all good fun really. I was maybe a bit overly harsh with this one, on its own its perfectly find I feel I may have had my enthusiasm dampened for it somewhat by the history that would be written after this movie got made.

The Crystal of Achillon is arguably one of the perfect starting points if your looking to get into Doctor who fan films. as is the projection room for that matter. through there history you’ll see fan films done right, fan films done very wrong and better still quite a few cast and crew members went on to make their own fan films independent from the projection room. In terms of british fan films. The projection room arguably is the core of a very very sprawling hobby. and I can only commend them for it in that regard.

 

(Yeh; my thoughts and feelings on the projection room are a bit garbled. they’ve been going for so long its impossible not to feel mixed about what they do and how they do it)
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The Australian Abominable Snowmen (1996)

Australian Abminable Snowmen is the second and final venture into Doctor who for Butchgro films and it upsets me really that outside of potentially doing commentaries for these two short films that its very unlikely I’ll ever be able to talk about a Butchgro production again.

I have a genuine soft spot for these movies. they genuinely seem to have come from a place of admiration for the TV show they’re remaking. the cast seem very positive about it and as far as I can tell they’re proud of what they were able to achieve back in the early/mid 90’s.

These films are not masterpieces. I’d be being disingenuous if I were to say these were high quality master works. They are however very joyous and very entertaining. I can smile along and enjoy these films while feeling the fun the cast and crew were having when making these films. And these were dedicated fans. in this film alone they travelled many miles just to find authentic snow for a handful of shots to illustrate the outer border of the monestary. When the filming finished/juddered to a halt they both sat through over 12 months of solid graft editing in order to ensure that the movie would be finished. EvenĀ  if there would only ever be a handful of people who’d ever actually even see it. This was nearly a full decade before youtube would become a thing you have to imagine so they made this film knowing that, other than there small circle of friends, noone may actually see this.

Since releasing these two reviews I have recieved some very kind words both from David Butcher (Who reiterated him and Grants full intent to remaster and re-release these two movies (Which I sincerely hope they do) and members of the gallifrey base message board who seemingly had little to no idea that this movie even existed in the first place.

I dont want to sound egotistical but im glad I did my bit to ensure that this movie got seen again. And if your a veteran of the cult and strange cinema genre I highly recommend you check these two films out. There weird wonderful a a genuinely fun experience to zone out to. a definate watch from me!

 

(While Snowmen is entertaining “Ausweb” will always hold a special place in my heart)
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DR WHO: The Lost Interviews (2009)

Its not difficult to fail in the genre of Documentary, Sometimes your documentary will contain false information accidentally, quite often Documentaries simply become redundent due to new information coming to light or events occuring that make them no longer relevent.

But “Dr who: The Lost Interviews” is rather special in the sense that it completely and totally failed right out of the gate simply by not caring about the facts or about making it a worthwhile purchase. This doc is pretty much entirely built on hearsay, rumours and grossly misleading information. it looks like it was assembled by someone who’d never touched editing software before in there lives (And I say that as a professional editor with rapidly approaching 10 years experience in my field) and quite frankly it comes across as money grabbing.

I would say that Neil Sean strikes me as the kind of person who would have strong appeal amongst your casual tv and film viewer. the kind of person who’ll happily flop in front of “Corrie” for every episode through a week, the sort who’d read “Take a break” and who watched the royal wedding with tears streaming down there faces (IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME DAMNIT!)…*Ahem*…What im saying is that, had Mr. Sean booked up a bit more about Doctor who and played this as a “Beginners guide to behind the scenes” for Doctor who then it may have been a completely different approach. As it stands this DVD is marketing itself as something for the “Hardcore” fans by promising exclusive interviews, insider gossip and a deep look into the current workings of the show. and it flounders quite spectacularly in doing this.

Now Im sure Mr. Sean in real life is a lovely man and at the same time I respect that everyone has to earn a living. But the absolute cheek of this guy to try and flog a few off cut interviews with his hosting links bundled in and to try and make out tha this will be a release that no Who fan should be without is bordering on the offensive.

Quite mercifully Neil sean has since moved to youtube where if his videos views are anything to go by he hasnt garnered much interest. I feel in some ways relieved that apart from the inevitable review of his “Dad’s army” dvd I most likely wont have to go near one of his “Official releases” again.

(Also; Please please please go and check out Dave Gormans blog posts on Neil Sean, He’s much more eloquent and better at grammar than me.)
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Australian Web of Fear (1992)

David Butcher is a lovely man. I really cannot reiterate that enough. “Australian Web of fear” spent a rediculous amount of time in total obscurity for me. For a number of years all I knew about it was that it was either made in australia or featured an all australian cast and that it was produced by “Butchgro” films. A company that I could only find the barest of bare information on. In fact; before speaking to David for the first time the accumulated 6-7 years of reseach I had done on this film had led me as far as being able to identify that this was indeed made in Australia at some point in the early 90’s or late 1980’s and that whoever “Butchgro” were they’d also done a version of “The Abominable snowmen” though at the time I only had access to “Web”.

A bit further down the line I eventually got my hands on both movies but for the best part of 5 years I did wonder whatever had happened to the lads at “Butchgro” did they maybe make even more Doctor who fan films that hadnt yet surfaced? Maybe there was a treasure trove of movies. Maybe they rebranded and were making movies to this day! I seriously thought of everything except the most obvious thing. Facebooking there names. In 2017 I did that just on a whim and was able to get in touch with David who was lovely, warm and up for talking about a movie he made well over 20 years previously! He informed me that since his film making days he pretty much spends his time these days prop building and that he’s actually appeared in Doctor who magazine multiple times and also in a Documentary that went out around the 50th anniversairy of the shows first episode while dressed in an “Earthshock” era Cyberman costume that he himself built!

Australian Web of fear to me is a wonderfully fun little film. the passion the cast and crew must have had to see this finished is nothing short of awe inspiring. it may not be the prettiest film to look at but I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like it, at the point of writing this the video currently sits well above 300 views; which may not seem like a lot. But to me that 300+ people who’ve been introduced to Butchgro films catalogue and I feeel like I’ve done my bit to raise awareness in that sense.

I’d still love them to make another movie at some point in the future…whether its an original work or whether they ever choose to go through with there original plans to adapt “Fury from the deep” the idea of a 21st century Butchgro production really puts a smile on my face. David didnt rule it out either! he said it was somewhat unlikely but thats not a catagoric no! so for now I’ll live in hope.maybe one day I’ll get my hands on a cleaner copy of this movie than the “n’th” generation copy I currently have. that in itself would be a treat! but for now im quite happy to squint along to this version knowing that at least I have a copy of this movie in my possession!

 

(I still say my favourite sequence in this movie is the battle in the park where the yeti gets knocked into the water…they really couldnt have done it any better than they did)
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Socialist Training Wheels (Part 2) The Harvest

So this was a long time coming, and now totally irrelevant but Iā€™ve finally been able to get some time together to sort out Part 2 of my promised look into the Local elections. The last time I wrote about politics like this I was slowly nursing an alcoholic beverage and I feel that by the time I was at the end of it, I was probably a bit too far gone to be able to meaningfully convey my feelings about the local elections.

(I probably wasnt that far off this by the end of part 1…)

I feel now however that the time to talk about the elections in an analytical way has somewhat passed me by. Obviously its no secret that Labour (While not overachieving) more than held there own and made overall gains in large swathes of the country. The conservatives made a few gains and the liberal democrats seemingly cleaned up quite nicely in the wake ofĀ  the collapse of the UKIP vote. However to read the papers the morning after the polls closed you could be led to believe that the labour party had completely disintegrated overnight. They failed to seize several major targets and as a result the night was a failure for them. Exceptā€¦it wasnā€™t reallyā€¦yā€™see, those ā€œMajor targetsā€ wernt initially set up by Labour, they were set up by the newspapers. They were the ones who were right off the bat publishing that Labour would be able to seize control of local councils that hadnā€™t been run by the Labour party in decades. When the situation was put to the Labour party they said the equivalent of ā€œWell weā€™re aiming high!ā€ which is a bit different than saying ā€œWeā€™re going to smash it and we cant wait to bring in big bad Galloway to kick arse and impose renationalisationā€

The newspapers whipped up such a frenzy about how well Labour were going to do that realistically they could never have achieved the levels of success that the media was predicting. Equally they played out the idea that the conservatives were going to do terribly, to the point where when they didnā€™t absolutely burst into flames we were told theyā€™d had a good night!

(A similar set of front pages from 2017’s general elections…notice the flies on the front of the sun clearly illustrating where that rag of a newspaper belongs…)

This has been a recurring problem now for a couple of years at this point. The newspapers make an untrue or unrealistic statement about the labour party, its proven false or it doesnā€™t pan out in quite the way it should have, and then they seize on that with the force of me trying to get into my precert copy of Halloween 3.

Anti-Semitism has been the flavour of the day recently, with most of the major news outlets, the conservative party and even some of the labour party itself admitting that the party had a problem with anti-Semitic rhetoric. As a member of the Labour party and someone whoā€™s regularly engaged in political debates both with leftwing and rightwing representatives; Ā I cant honestly say Iā€™ve seen anyone from the party use Anti-Semitic sentiments on any of the social media pages I frequent nor have I seen anything while at Labour party meetings. Im almost certain there are Anti-Semites in the labour party. Statistically its almost inevitable. But at the same time I donā€™t think theres nearly as many as the mainstream media would have you believe and I think a major issue is that the right and even some members of the right of Labour are purposefully conflating ā€œAnti-Semitismā€ Ā with ā€œAnti-Zionismā€ and the two are completely different.

Now forgive me if im incorrect on this (and im more than happy to be proven wrong here) but Iā€™ve been led to believe that originally there was Palestine, then the UK colonised parts of the middle east, before giving chunks of our colonised land to the Jewish people in what became Israelā€¦and over the last 60-70 years Israeli forces have slowly but surely seized more and more of Palestine and oppressed the Palestinian people. Not that Palestineā€™s been entirely innocent either, theyā€™ve given as good as theyā€™ve got. However I feel it necessary to reiterate that it was there land originally and that they do have every right to be a bit pissed off at the fact that large chunks of there land have been taken and that the Palestinian people and government have been painted as brutalā€¦in real terms it would be like if you owned your own house and one day you had a visitor who bought a friend over for the night, but the next day your friend had vanished and his friend was now saying that the bathroom is his and that he was eyeing up your kitchenā€¦by the end of the week you had your bed and the skirting boards all the way to the door and your friends random associate is screeching at you for being unreasonable that you dared keep the bed.

(Its been doing the rounds on social media but its a pretty decent illustration to be fair…)

Now for having those opinions I would be considered Anti-Zionist. But to some people that would be enough of an opinion to label me Anti-Semitic. I would disagree with those people and Iā€™d add that there really needs to be a concerted effort to make clear distinctions between the two groups because theyā€™re very different groups.

Obviously though that something that the conservative party and the mainstream media have no interest in facilitating. As long as this Anti-Semitism thing continues to push on it continues to put the labour party on the back foot and it continues to make out that anyone who supports Jeremy Corbyns policies automatically hate Jews. Which is simply not the case. And this is before we get anywhere near the constant stream of racist, misogynistic, homophobic and anti-Semitic bollocks that the conservative party members and even there MPā€™s have come out with over the last 40 years (Seriously there are too many photos of Conservative MPā€™s dressed up in full nazi uniforms for my taste)

To conclude Iā€™d like to say that I think weā€™ve finally entered a period in our political history where we are about to see the death of the current system. Democracy used to be run on base principles. If you lied while in office, if you misled the public or damaged the country, youā€™d be thrown out of power and shamed out of the position never to be seen again. As of 2018 we have a government who are propped up by a group of radical right wing northern Irish MPā€™s , stabilised by the media who have finally decided to give up the pretence of looking like they know what theyā€™re doing. They can say the sky is purple and when theyā€™re shown proof its blue theyā€™ll silently walk off, wait till something bigger than there lie crops up and then use that as an opportunity to bury it. There most common current tactic is to simply abstain. If theres a vote or an urgent question or there asked to give a statement in relation to something that theyā€™ve said or done. Theyā€™ll either just refuse to acknowledge it or if they do theyā€™ll send an back bencher or an underling to give a generic statement. In doing this theyā€™re effectively saying ā€œWe do not accept the legitimacy of what your doingā€ there have been several votes more recently in parliament that have effectively been rendered meaningless because the entire conservative party has just abstained from turning up and voting. In doing so they can then question the legitimacy of the vote and I donā€™t want to invoke ā€œGodwins lawā€ here but im angry just thinking about it so fuck it. Thatā€™s what the actual Nazis did just before world war 2. When votes or narrative wernt going there way theyā€™d just up and leave and then refuse to acknowledge that a vote happened or implement a bastardised version of the asked policy before the vote could happen effectively making it meaningless because ā€œWeā€™re already putting similar legislation in placeā€ itā€™s a dick move that erodes trust in the political system and its considerably nastier and thicker than anything that Thatchers government would have considered (And theyā€™re seen as pure evil by most people above the southern border)

(Well its good to get a futurama meme into one of these blogs somehow)

How do we fix this? Well, I donā€™t know. I like to think that Socialism will win out ultimately but the question becomes a matter of ā€œWill we see this change before or after weā€™ve been totally and utterly broken beyond repair?ā€ The honest answer is: I donā€™t knowā€¦im not going to lie things arnt quite as awful as they were in 2017 so far. But theyā€™ve only gotten marginally better largely because the EU have decided to just ignore America and the UK in terms of there leaders. Iā€™ll give them this. The EU arnt perfect, but at least theyā€™ve acknowledged that for the foreseeable that theyā€™re on there own and that the US and UK are slowly eating themselves.

Maybe things will work outā€¦maybe theyā€™ll get worseā€¦honestly at this point Iā€™ve gone from having faith in my fellow man to constantly plotting out how Iā€™ll survive the next inevitable downward drive in living standards. I like to think things will get better soon. But till then I guess im still stuck with my socialist training wheels.

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Zoo Troop: Snowstorm Rescue (2007)

This was a quite personal one for me. Not because I have any deep infatuation for the zoo troop. no no! they were well after my time! but it was personal for me because it allowed me a little bit of wriggle room to really remenise about my childhood. This video may paint a somewhat darker tinge to aspects ofĀ  my life, but its weird what you pick up on as an adult that as a kid you think nothing of.

Holiday towns in the UK in the 90’s were a quite magical place really, it was a weird time just before the mass renovations that have swept through most seaside towns since the early 2000’s but just after absolute poverty had set in. And it was absolute poverty. The best example I can think of is Rhyl (Which features heavily in the start of this review) In the 90’s my memories of Rhyl are particularly bleak. y’see, before Rhyl ended up being the 50% run down arcades, 50% retirement complex that it is today Rhyl was desolation. I remember with a strange nostalgia the funfair near the entrance to the town that reeked of fag smoke and stale booze and sugar. I recall large gangs of pale hollow men parading along the sea front…the rusted and gnarled railings along the seafront that were held in place only by the dirt and smog given off by the heaving and overbearing traffic. I remember the slums, delapodated terrace houses thatĀ  ran in rows that were predominatnly housing druggies and other similar nefariousness. And for me probably the most memorable. I remember the smell of cooking meat, burgers and hotdogs the stench of onions stewing in brown water being served by a bloke with a fag on out of a hatch from some godawful arcade that wouldnt be out of place in the Hotel california.

And yet, weirdly as I mention in the review itself I remember all of this with a strange nostalgia. A fondness if you will…As an adult I can appreciate that this was a horrible place to go and im not entirely sure what my parents thought they were doing taking me there. But I find my memories of that to be happy ones somehow. I remember running along the seafront losing a shoe in one of the quicksand-esq drifts, I remember excitedly stroking a stingray in the Sealife center, I have very strong memories of regular visits to an arcade on the seafront of Conwy (Just outside of Rhyl) and for years every summer we’d go for the mini golf, the 2p machines and video games like “The Simpsons arcade game” or “Time crisis 2” or my personal favourite an Addams family pinball machine (Which I believe is still there to this day) I’ll have to visit it again some time soon and get some pictures because as far as I can tell google images doesnt think it exists.

The Zoo troop may have been after my time but Rory was most definitely the coolset cat in town when I was a young’un. Haven caravan holidays may have not been my most favourite thing in the world (Even now I remember lying in bed one night with a massive pile of coats on top of me desperately trying to keep warm while flipping through a black and white A5 “Beano funsize special”

(It was this one specifically if memory serves though I remember it being a darker blue)

Im not entirely painting these holidays as rip roaring fun. But I really need to stress that miraculously somehow they were great. It was pretty much a week of non stop travelling for me visiting castles, beaches, strange shops and eating my weight in Nougat. and while objectively the seaside towns of britain are infinately better in the 21st century. Subjectively I’ll always have a bit of my heart left in the past.

(I never experienced the Zoo troop first hand when they were active. But I can assure you I would have been terrified)
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The Boogey Man (The Bogey Man) (1980)

I really wasnt expecting much from “The Bogey man” when I first put it on. The Video Nasties craze of the 1980s was a very sporadic period in the UK with dozens of titles being caught up in the frothing fever of trying to “ban the filth” and this meant that a few titles that really shouldnt have been listed as “Nasties” somehow got sweapt up in the hoopla.

I dont subscribe to the belief that the 1984 video recordings act was in anyway a good thing, I think it heavily censored creativity and drove the interest in these movies into the hands of the underground market where prices ran rampant and quality control was non existent. even if I did accept the act in some capacity (Which I most definitely do not) the consistency was all over the place, with films like “Cannibal Holocaust” and “Maniac Cop” being perfect examples of movies that quite reasonably could justify this act to a degree (They’re both very hard watches that are purposefully designed to be uncomfortable and shocking) through to movies like “The Evil Dead” and “Zombie Flesh Eaters” which while pushing the envelope a bit, were hardly going to “Corrupt the youth”. Conservative drive and a Newspaper driven campaign, only spurred on by the Mary whitehouse brigade only led to further confusion and unwarrented restrictions.

Arguably the most famous being a recurring issue in which police officers would repeatedly seize copies of “The Littlest Whorehouse in Texas” which is a PG comedy movie and copies of “Apocalypse now” which were passed by the BBFC being seized because it sounded too much like a Cannibal movie…only spurring things on and causing a rise in panic, incidents like “The Hungerford massacre” or the “James Bulger” case were sensationalised in the tabloids as being indisputable proof that violent films were corrupting people. In these incidents Hungerfords massacre happened because the killer watched “Rambo 3” (There was no proof of this…The only evidence given was that he’d worn a bandana when he committed the killings), and in the latter “Childs Play 3” was put to blame (Despite the fact that again there was no proof of this and the only evidence was that the killers father had rented the movie, not watched it, and returned it 2 days later) it was this incident that led to one of the “Last hurrah” moments of the Video nasty movement when the Sun ran with the sensationalist front page title “For the sake of ALL our kids Burn your video nasties”

Today barring a few seconds of animal cruelty here and there almost all of the original banned video nasties have not only been released but have been released officially multiple times both in standard and High definition. Theres only one video nasty that remains thats still been denied a classification, that’s “Love Camp 7” but a majority have now been released uncut. And being able to see these films for what they are and realise that a majority of them were purely on the list because of histeria is both eye opening and distressing to me.

The Boogey man is the perfect example of this. This movie has 2 graphic moments in it pretty much, and quite honestly theres much much worse out there. This shouldnt have been on the video nasties list and yet both this and the movies sequel (Which im told is a total and utter raging toxic sludge of a movie) were on the banned list with litte to no justification.

And its a pretty okay movie to boot!, its no masterpiece but I was really genuinely surprised by just how high quality it was when compared with some of the shinola on the banned list. it made it to my “Shelf of interest” as a quirky and slightly unusual oddity. One I’d reccommend you look out for.

(The Posters misleading as well…there are windows, women and shadowy figures in the movie…but not necessarily all at once)
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