Dark Breed (1996)

Well; We’re back on the Prism Leisure movies and that can only mean one thing! Superphantasmacraporia! yes we’re back in the kind of tat that could barely sell more than 5 copies as a standalone release so they’ve been bundled onto a multi film/single disc release to try and squeeze as much cash from hard working punters as possible.

One thing that did dawn on  me most recently is just how weird the context of these multi disc sets really were when you think about them…I mean; here you have DVD a fully digital (and for the time) super sharp revolutionary way to watch your films that little bit closer to how the film makers originally intended. gone was the fuzz, gone was the degeneration, gone was the hissy soundtrack. And whats one of the first things they decide to bundle in with early DVD players as a way of shifting units? Why! 25-50 movies that were all shot on a shoe and made for a budget of £5 in a capark, bit crushed to within an inch of there lives and dumped on a single DVD. What astounding revolutionary leaps!

I mean; they dont even have the excuse of “well; it’s impressive that they could fit 2-4 movies on a single disc” because towards the end of VHS’s lifespan they too were able to do double…and sometimes even TRIPLE features on a single tape (I have a few of those tucked away)…I get that it was supposed to represent value for money. that you’d be in the shop and the salespersone could say “Well look! we’re selling it for £70 AND you get ALL THESE FREE MOVIES WITH THEM!!!” and in some of the earlier releases there were some pretty cool movies bundled in (One of the multi disc sets I have is full of crap but it does have Witchboard and Waxwork on it…which frankly are streets ahead of “Lets ruin Dads day” or “Final Scream” I dunno…It just seems weird to me that anyone would be incentivised to buy a cheap DVD player with a load of crappy films and it be the crappy films that sold it. but I imagine a fair few did fly off the shelves back in the day because of it.

(I have very fond memories of my grandad buying his first DVD player and it coming with a metric crap ton of multi film DVDs…that was how I was introduced to the “Robocop TV Movies” and the “Species” franchise…god that was a fun and terrible weekend!)

(This poster is just so cheap looking…im pretty sure it’s fan made…but that would imply this film had fans…)

The Intruder Within (1981)

Im on Vacation! it’s only for a few days mind…but i’ve popped my flippers on, donned my factor 5000 sun tan lotion and Im striding out to enjoy the benefits of the british summertime!

With this in mind Im going to leave you with this stinker of a movie till I return! This was one of the first “Big Box” Tapes I picked up when I first started re-collecting VHS tapes. I saw the cover and just knew it would be a film that I’d need to watch/cover on this show. I was looking for tat. and I absolutely found tat here! it stinks!

It never had a cinema release and this movie basically was shown on US television once or twice before it was dumped onto tape and swiftly forgotten for a couple of decades…I wanted to like this one, I really did…but it’s so drab and such a clear knockoff of the Alien and Predator franchise that I just couldnt get anywhere near liking it as much as I could have.

Still that’s just my opinion…watch this weeks review and let me know what you think! In the meantime im off to fill a coconut with rum and to put my feet up in a shady glade! have a great week guys and gals!

(I can see teeth…and a mound of flesh…I still cant exactly decide where this things eyes are…never a good sign when it comes to a poster…It also looks a bit too close to “The Deadly Spawn”…)

The Bikini Model Academy (2015) Comedy Dining Experience

After we enjoyed recording a commentary for “Threads” so much both myself and my co-host Ben Decided to do a couple more and see if the “Magic” was just a one off or whether we had a thing going here…this is the first of 3 films we covered in one evening (The 2nd is “Coming soon”) the 3rd…well…im not sure what to do with that one (Alcohol and Cheeseburgers are a daaaangerous mix)

Either way we felt happy enough with that session that we have more of these pencilled in coming soon so if you cant be bothered to sit through Bikini model academy WITHOUT 2 people taking the piss out of it I highly advise you give our full length commentary a go!

Bikini Model Academy – (2015)

…I got nothing for this one. Eveything I want to say about this film is in this review. the only thing that I would like to add is watching this review back after 2-3 months since I finished it. I would like to point out that I mention how much nudity and sex is in the film at one point without really stating why. it was a deleted line from the script and I was supposed to deliver it with a bit of a different inflection to what ultimately made it into the final cut. my goal was to say that basically for a film thats so desperate to be porn its arguably one of the tamest films to feature live breasts that i’ve ever seen and heres exactly why it is that tame. However it ends up coming out in this review like Im basically saying “THERES ONLY 4 BOOBS AND 2 SEX SCENES. SAD FACE! GOING HOME!”

I would also just quickly like to say that this got flagged up for copyright and was blocked…this time by a 3rd party content id bot…so not even an actual company could be bothered to police the IP of this thing…not that I blame the filmmakers for that…if i’d made this film I’d rather send a bot out to flag it down than have to watch this film again…

This is an objectifying, boring, and slightly mysoginistic piece of work in my opinion. I showed it to “Friend of the show” Ben one night while we were slowly getting drunk on the finest spirit based whisky drink ever manufactured. and he concurred…you may find out more about that conversation at a later date. but for now. all I can say is; Im sorry for what your about to experience. Really. Truely I am.

(What is Gary Bueseys face even doing in this poster!?…)

Alien Species (Alien Terminator) (1995)

This review has (To date) been the biggest pain in the backside to put together out of any of the videos I’ve made before or since. not from an editing standpoint you understand, no that part was easy. What screwed me over with this film is the title. As I mention in the review there are 2 films called “Alien Species” that were released within 12 months of each other. This film is the earliest of the two.

I actually ended up having to bin half a review I wrote for this movie purely because of the date and title confusion. as IMDB and a few other sites on the internet have seemingly confused to two to such a point now that there listings are pretty much melded together with little to no rhyme or reason I’d ended up writing an extended piece describing this film but attributing it to the 1996 cast and crew. Picking apart what was related to this movie and what was related to the 1996 “Alien Species” was an absolute nightmare.

Mercifully once I’d struck a vein with this movie I was able to really get to grips with it and get to the matter at hand. Not that this film particularly needed glowing and in depth coverage. This is not one of Troma’s finest. And I love Troma movies…Sgt Kabukiman, the toxic avenger series, Class of Nuke’em high, Terror Firma. All good stuff…but at the same time theres a terrible side to Troma…the kind of side that gives us movies like this or “Surf Nazi’s must die” or “Rabid Grannies”…Its a real shame but they’re known for casting there nets as wide as possible and im sure they’ve helped a lot of up and comers really cut there teeth when starting out.

I dont have a tremendous amount of nice things to say about Alien Species. I remember it as being a boring slog featuring uninteresting characters that had maybe 1 or 2 memorable scenes but is ultimately just a cheap cash in trying to make some coin from “Species” and the “Alien” franchise. Its acceptably entertaining if there literally nothing left to do or watch. But thats not saying much because I think I’d rather change car tyres all day than watch this movie again any time soon.

 

(The cover/film poster as well is just awful. not only is it way too generic I have no idea whats actually going on in that cover)

Eegah (1962)

I have to hold my hands up really; both with this one and with a few of my episodes that deal with older bad movies. One of my main sources for discovering older films like this is the TV show “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” (Often affectionately shortned to “MST3K”)

It was arguably one of the first shows to really bring the art and humour of bad films to a mainstream audience and I was VERY late to the party on this one. Y’see; MST wasnt really shown in the UK. it have a very very limited run of episodes on the sci-fi channel in the late 90s (Literally from what I’ve been able to research they showed about 1 season of Mike Era episodes over the course of about 5 months and that was it) I have very fleeting memories of seeing either some promotional material or a single episode of this run. And then the next time i’d encounter MST would be in my time in University where me and my friend Ben would devour 2 or 3 episodes a night for weeks at a time while drinking heavily and eating take away pizza…life was good!

Eegah is one of the few movies from MST that I have watched both riffed and unriffed and its delightfully watchable to me in either format (Though honestly the MST versions vastly superior and my preferred watching experience if I had to choose) It was featured in the last few years as an episode of there seasonal “Turkey Day” marathon on youtube (Which I highly reccommend you check out this thanskgiving!) and thats what put it to the forefront of my mind when it came to picking a movie to review.

It’s a very unusual movie with a fantastically craptacular ending but it has its own charm and I can see why MST3K decided to pick this one up. The jokes almost write themselves…

(recommended viewing: 6 pack of cider (Or a spirit of your choice) dirty/beautiful pizza and a good couple of friends…perfection.)

Puppet Master (1989)

Deciding the structure of these seasons is always a bit of a difficult game for me. Typically I’ll try and fill the 18 episodes that I have per season with a good mixture of genre’s and film types because bad and cult movies really arnt tied to any specific genre and I know that there are people who subscribe to my youtube channel who only watch me for my Sci-fi reviews or only watch me for my Kids movie reviews. And thats totally cool; thats why I try and keep things fairly loose. As a result you’ll get a few horror films per season, a few science fiction, a few martial arts movies and the odd kids film or romance. It just helps keep things a bit more diverse while simultainiously being a bit broad.

One of the more difficult elements to manage with my channel however is how many mainstream or popular cult movies to cover in a season. Obviously I dont want to just talk about all the films everyone already knows about because…well everyone already knows about them. But at the same time (According to my youtube analytics at least) my more mainstream reviews are not only some of my most watched and popular videos; there also the ones most likely to make first time viewers subscribe. So I’ve kind of resolved myself to only talking about two; maybe three, popular films per season. both as a way to limit my own reliance on those kind of films and to kind of treat them as a “Special occasion” when I do talk about them.

Puppet master (To me at least) is an example of a popular cult film in the sense that it isnt as well known as your “Friday the 13ths” or your “Nightmare on Elm street” movies, but it is still fairly well known. It has a relatively large fan base and for anyone familiar with the more well known horror movies These kind of films could potentially act as a gateway for casual movie goers to explore stranger and more unknown movies that are largely obscured. I had never seen a puppet master movie until I watched this one for the purposes of this review and I still desperately need to get my hands on the sequel because I really enjoyed how this film decided to tackle its plot line. I’ve been told by multiple people since doing this review that the “Puppet master” franchise is one of the spottiest franchises still putting movies out. When its good its great!; when its bad it’s unwatchable. So I can only hope that my own experiences when I get round to the sequels will be plesent…

Also; speaking of my own videos for a moment. This is the first review to feature my first revamped intro sequence. I’d had a few issues with the original intro, Mainly that I felt it was a bit too basic and a bit low production quality. Which it kind of was to be honest. I made the original intro over 2 hours without any plans or storyboards. I literally just sat there and thought “I need an intro…” and took it from there…So I decided to actually do a bit more planning with this second intro. And while by contemporary standards I realise that its still very flawed, at the time I remember being over the moon with the results. It would only be used for this season at which point I decided to seriously overhaul the intro elements entirely. But this was really my first big stab at trying to fundamentally change how my videos looked and felt. It was also around this time that I really began monitoring the pacing of my videos and making sure that I spoke slower, calmer and really tried to “Up” just how methodical I was with writing my reviews. Its all change really! and from here on in I feel I made massive steps in my production processes.

(Im a sucker for “Blade” in this one I have to be honest. Hes such a cute little murderer)

The Descendents of Wing Chun (Fo Shan Zan xian sheng) (1978)

This was one of the biggest fake out’s I think i’ve had on my channel to date. I picked this movie up expecting basically a very straight laced Kung-fu movie. And in many ways I think in its original dub this film probably was a lot more straight played than the english dubbed version is. Popping the disc in however I felt like the floor had dropped out from under me. It became very clear very quickly that all the mysticism, philosphy and general profoundness found in the original dub had been completely binned in favour of funny voice acting and playing the film down. Im not saying that this film was intended to be completely without humour; there are moments here that defiantely have that vibe both physically and in the dub. But here it makes “On the Busses” look like “The Kings Speech” rediculously over the top but one I can ultimately reccommend in terms of just how weird tonally it is.

(My only regret is that the character “Fatty the Kung-fu Yorkshireman” never made it into another movie #Sadtimes)

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

American Ninja 2 (Often released with the subtitle “The Confrontation”) was a sequal to the original American ninja movie which came out in 1985. This is one of the few times I’ve spoken about a films sequel before I’ve delt with the original and there are a few reasons for that that were fairly tedious but basically boiled down to “When I started this channel I was only going to talk about Janky B-movies and experimental/erotic films” and the first American ninja movie is actually pretty good. its a bit slow in places but its fun enough…this film was a bit more unusual and weird and I thought at the time it would fit my channels tone a bit better. It may have also been down to the fact that i’d watched the first one only a week or 2 before I decided to start my channel in the first place and I really didnt feel up to rewatching a film like this so soon after i’d watched it for the first time. This was also the first episode I recorded for the second ever group of episodes I made 🙂

(I’ll be honest; im a sucker for a ninja film that features genetically modified super ninjas)

EDIT [22/01/21]:

So At some point around 18 months ago, for reasons youtube cant fully explain to me, a glitch happened on my youtube channel scrubbing approximately 8 minutes of footage from the Above American Ninja review. I worked with them over a couple of days to try and retrieve it. But as far as they were concerned it has sadly been lost. So! I decided to try and put this right. In part because I plan to cover more American Ninja films on my channel in future, and in part because I actually kind of like this review. Im not massively fond of my early work (As most youtubers will atest after a certain period your ‘early works’ come with a healthy dose of cringe at what you could have done better/differently.

So I decided to rebuild the review! I luckily keep the original isolated vocals of every review I make and, while doing some frame matching for the review itself I sourced better quality copies of the footage, I worked on the layout, processed the audio and generally tidied the whole thing up to make it look and feel a lot more in line with my current reviews. I wouldnt say it was a ground up remake. more that this is a 2.5D reimagining of a 2D review. it’s just a bit more polished. AND it brings the review back from near obscurity! So I hope you enjoy this; it didnt take a particularly long time to put together, but I felt it needed doing! 🙂