We Wish you a Turtles Christmas (1994)

Y’know…when I first started reviewing the Ninja Turtles Movies back at the start of last year I was actually quite surprised at just how well made they seemed to be…and while I had reservations about TMNT 2 and I found TMNT 3 to be only marginally better I never quite expected to end the year with what was arguably one of the strangest and most terrifying movies I’ve seen in a while…

To say “We wish you a turtles Christmas” is a fun little video for kids greatly underestimates the power that the information stored upon the magnetised tape wields. this is not a film. this is a life experience. I have to consider my life in two halves…Pre “Turtles Christmas” and Post “Turtles Christmas” and I feel like both lead very distinctly different tones. I can now no longer hear “The Twelve days of Christmas” without wanting to end each verse with “And a Pizza with Pepper- ro – knee!” Nor can I ever think of the song “To grandmothers house we go” without thinking of sewers and pure nightmare fuel.

if your smart you’ll avoid this movie. if like me your a glutton for punishment and you enjoy the masachism that comes wth watching the total and unapologetic capitalist festive nihilism that is this unbridled screech into the darkness…then by all means be my guest…but dont come crying to me when you have to consider your life choices…

 

(…Horrifying…)

Santa and the Three Bears (1970)

Im finding it increasingly ironic that Im having to post my Christmas videos on what has been the hottest may in the UK since 1935…Seriously. At this point I really dont know how im not just a puddle on the floor really. Though I suppose that posting these christmas videos has helped me to at least visualise the cold in a vein attempt to keep myself cool.

“Santa and the three bears” was picked up along with “Dot and Spots Magical christmas vacation” from a charity shop for about 50p I believe. Before this I’d neither seen nor heard about it ever and based on the DVD cover (See the video thumbnail) I thought I might be inheriting some kind of eastern european “Worker and Parasite”-esq kids animation that was going to be a rickety and hilarious affair. Though in many ways it surpassed my expectations.

This is hardly Hannah Barbara fodder. it’s a little bit wobbly in places, but as far as animation goes this ones really not too bad. Though even I’ll concede that there are a few trippy sequences that kind of left me head scratching.

This isnt really a particularly good christmas film to be honest. The story is quite dull and again I think in hindsight that unless you grew up with this one and have ingrained nostalgia over it, theres not much reason to dig this one out.

Though thats one of the things that I love about these videos. It allows me to go digging for films that dont really get an airing and view them from the perspective of someone who’s never seen these films before. Sometimes I land on solid gold, other times I come away bitterly dissapointed. and with “Santa and the three bears” Im glad that I got to talk about it and review it. I really am. But I dont think I can say that this ones a “Must see”…if your a parent who grew up with this one; Show it to your kids by all means. Thats the magic and joy of tradition…But otherwise All I can say is that my own memories of this one could best be described as “Meh…” with a side order of “Eh…”

 

(There are some fun little music stings though…but your milage may vary)